Reuben turned 8 weeks old yesterday and the last week was pretty hellish. Reuben probably wasn’t much worse than he had been previously but the cumulative effect that the sleep lady talks about from sleep deprivation must have kicked in (I mentioned this in my last post about her illuminating article with tips for the knackered) and as a result there were tears, tantrums and general misery around the Parker household. They were mainly my tears and misery (in the middle of the night when I was desperate to sleep and the Reubinator kept waking every hour) but this had a knock-on effect that led to a Mike tantrum on Saturday because I told him he couldn’t go to the football on Sunday.
Hi… I’m here to bring you joy and happiness and wreck your life for 6 months (maybe more, maybe less, we’ll see…)
Last Tuesday was a particular low. Mike was off to London for the night and after a terrible night I just wanted to sleep but I couldn’t get Reuben to go to sleep anywhere but on me. I did drop off on the sofa with him but all the Health Visitor books specifically say DO NOT FALL ASLEEP ON THE SOFA WITH YOUR BABY. Turns out that while the overall cot death statistics have decreased significantly, the deaths as a result of cosleeping on sofas has quadrupled. With this thought in my head I just sat sobbing to myself, trapped by my baby and an imminent IKEA delivery. I felt like I couldn’t call anyone to help, particularly not while sobbing my heart out, and I didn’t want to bother Mike as there was nothing he could do since he was on a train in the wrong direction. I did call him in the end though and he called in the cavalry in the form of his dad. The moment I knew Michael Senior was coming all that blackness and despair lifted. I felt almost completely fine. Still tired but anyone can cope if they know it isn’t indefinite.
Mike and I had decided that to ease some of the stress we would get some more help from our cleaner, which also cheered me up no end. When I was talking to her about how things were going and why we wanted more help she said to me, “Can I ask a personal question?” erm, yes, of course… “do you think you have baby blues?”
Well, I didn’t know what to say to this. I certainly didn’t think I did have it but if you look at my behaviour, teary tantrums, no blogging or tweeting for 2 weeks, feeling like I didn’t have any time to myself, etc. I could see why it would look it to an outsider. I assumed that this is just general new mum feelings. My cleaner went on to say, and she has told me this before, “I only ask because I had it and at times I felt like I could happily smother my baby.” Of course, she didn’t and wouldn’t have but she had a really hard time of it because a) her baby cried non-stop for 3 months and b) she was away from her family and had very little help. This is why I don’t think I have proper baby blues. Yes, he’s a little sh*t at times but I haven’t yet wanted to smother him.
But who’s to say what ‘proper baby blues’ are? I have a feeling that all mothers get them to a certain extent. It’s almost a mourning of the loss of their former lives and selves all exacerbated by sleep deprivation and isolation. The loss of time and freedom to go out when they want without having to plan it hours ahead so that everything is in place to achieve the 20 second getaway when their baby is finally ready to leave. It’s stressful, I tell you, but you don’t want your wee man screaming his little lungs out all the way to your nice relaxing lunch date! And, 8 times out of 10 you still get it wrong and he still screams all the way there until he falls asleep from exhaustion. Heartbreaking, so who wouldn’t reminisce about the old days?!
The other thing is the isolation. Most of us are used to being at work, around people all the time, and if not work, they’re free to dot about here and there seeing people. Even a trip to ASDA (or my personal favourite, Sainsbury’s – ooh the glamour!), where you see and interact with other people, is a luxury now. I’ve been told not to let having a baby stop me going out and doing things. Yes, in theory, but there’s 3 if not more problems I have with this. 1) I’m so tired! 2) I find it stressful so it makes me even more tired 3) what if he screams the whole place down and I have to abandon my trolly full of shopping to rush to the car to feed him? 4) breastfeeding in public isn’t much fun 5) etc… So, all in all, staying in watching the movie channel is a happy option to chose.
But ultimately it’s that darn, pesky sleep thing. I would go to the gym but I’m tired. I would blog or tweet more but I’m tired. I would go out more but I’m tired. And so on. So if I’m getting help to look after Reuben it’s a toss up between whether I blog, go to the gym, go out or sleep. Sleep wins for the most part. I also feel guilty if I don’t choose sleep as I think they then think I’m taking the piss. Why would I need help (free help) looking after my child to write a blog of all things?!
I don’t think I’m really getting anywhere with this but I think the lessons to be learnt here are:
1. Get help. Anybody with a child will know how horrific and isolating these first few weeks can be. I think I’m going to round up all the people I know and try and organise a little rota of help.
2. Sleep when you have help but also do the other things that make you happy (to be worked on and agreed with my helpers!).
3. Although you are really tired and miserable, don’t take it out on your fella/lady/partner – they’re at work all day and need a break too, so don’t remove all the joy from their lives by telling them they can’t go out. Lesson learned from this weekend.
4. Grow some balls… so you can get out and do more things. An example being on Friday I finally got out to get a bra fitting. I’ve been squeezing my boobs into my tiny pre-breastfeeding bras for 8 whole weeks. That is ludicrous and will probably mean I have to have corrective surgery on my saggy knockers once all this breastfeeding malarky comes to an end.
5. Sleep makes all things seem better.
8 comments
Emma on 10-8-2012 at 3:48 pm
Ah the first few weeks are so hard! My little man is 3 1/2 months now and it’s so much easier! The number one thing I think helps when they are tiny is just getting out and about, despite the fact I was tired/leaking/ hadn’t cleaned my teeth/was covered in sick. As soon as I felt up to it I joined loads of baby clubs and activities. All the interactions really tire the little man out and help him sleep when we do get back in the house, which means I can sleep too! I refused all offers of help at first, thinking I could do it by myself, this lasted about 10 weeks after which I rang my mam at 5 in the morning, crying and begging her to help!
hannah on 10-11-2012 at 6:10 pm
Haha! Glad it’s not just me struggling then
lovely to meet you the other day, I was thrilled to have someone actually say “are you Hannah? I read your blog” ! Simple things. Youre right about getting out and about, and since he’s slept much better this week that’s getting easier. The other thing I’ve found this week is not to be put off by things they don’t like in the first few weeks…for example, he didn’t like his pram to begin with but now I’ve managed to get him to sleep a few times in it. Takeeveer small success and celebrate! Hope to see you again soon xx
Monique on 10-8-2012 at 4:17 pm
Isnt it funny that you can kind of know somethings up with someone without really knowing them… (hence my tweet to you the other day). I for one am very happy to see you blogging again, its obviously something you love and something you are really good at, so in response to your question from your previous blog, i say you just continue to do as have been doing and just be very honest about your experience of motherhood. I think your readers would appreciate that, as I personally havent really come across many endearing bloggers who are brutally honest about how find things… its not all happy and joyful all the time, as we both have found out!
I have to be extremely grateful that Carter is very much like her mummy in the sense that she LOVES her sleep! She sleeps really well at night however her sleep during the day is very broken and light so although it is nice it doesnt always give me a lot of time to get things done, Which like you, has made me feel guilty for having a disgustingly filthy house even though im indoors most of the time. I had to have a very serious conversation with the other half about this as I couldnt help feeling like he resented the fact the house isnt spick an span (I can only imagine that in his eyes i am now a “housewife”). I had to make it very clear that I will do the housework if i have the time, energy or inclination to. Even having that conversation has made me feel better.
Also, i am lucky to say i am really enjoying motherhood so far, i think it is partly thanks to the (massive) decision to introduce some formula milk to our lives. It isnt a decision i made easily but i do not regret it in the slightest as it has enabled me to have an easier life (which im sure many people would judge me for) but the way i see it is, happy mum = happy baby. I was getting myself worked up about constantly feeding, feeling alone and having no time to myself, adding just one or two formula feeds a day has saved my sanity. She has also just had a massive growth spurt and her mood has certainly improved since i started mixed feeding. As for the dummy issue, she just hasnt really taken to it to be honest! i have several knocking about and occasionally they will soothe her but she just isnt that bothered by them which is fine by me. I also found that she wakes up more in the night if she has gone to bed with a dummy. As soon as it falls out of her mouth shes awake, whereas if she doesnt have it at all she’ll only wake up when she needs a feed.
I guess what i have learnt in this past 10 weeks (10 weeks!!!!! where has the time gone!?) is that you can read all the books, listen to everyone elses experiences and advice but the only way you and baby are going to be happy is to do things your own way.
Hannah on 10-16-2012 at 9:56 am
Monique, my darling! Firstly, thanks so much for thinking of me, your tweet got me back in the swing of things
secondly, high five for not doing housework. Thirdly, no judgement from me for using formula…in fact, we’ve introduced it too! It’s partlyout of necessity as we’re off to vienna next week wherre i will be working 9-5 for a week!! We’ve only tried 2 feeds so far but both times he’s had lovely afternoon sleeps.
All in all thanks for your epic comment, made me feel better to know other people are in the same boat and amen to just doing what what fits with us. I so hoped and prayed that the ‘experts’ were right, and I still hope they will be in the future. I’m a simple person and happy to follow any regiment given to me but while he’s still so small, I’m working on his time. He’s the boss. For now
ha! Who am I trying to kid?! Xx
Ally on 10-8-2012 at 10:02 pm
What an inspiring lady. Your honesty is refreshing, especially when things aren’t going, I imagine, quite as you planned. Thank you for sharing these precious weeks and months with us. Hope you start to feel more like yourself soon.
Hannah on 10-16-2012 at 9:58 am
Hi Alley, thank you so much for your lovely. Comment
I have to say, I did so much thinking about pregnancy that I neglected to think about what having a newborn would be like. Had I done I might not have been so surprised to descover it was hard work! keep me updated on your progress, hun xx
Emma on 10-12-2012 at 9:01 am
Ah lovely to meet you too! Hope I didn’t scare you, it must be strange having a random stranger know your name! Reuben is gorgeous, so tiny. And no, you are not the only one struggling! That’s why I enjoyed reading your blog so much, because you are honest about it. Too many women Are frightened to admit that it is bloody hard, in case people think they aren’t coping. I’ll admit I was like that the first couple of months but I soon caved in and now all offers of help are gratefully received! I’ve just sent my poor mother off home with a nice big pile of my ironing to do! I could probably fit it in myself but i would much rather spend time reading blogs ha!! Xxxx
thebeesleybuzz on 10-18-2012 at 10:00 pm
I’m loving your blog posts – so refreshingly honest and just what I need to be reading right now. It is also bringing back so many memories of my first baby (so many sleep problems and endless crying!!!). Will be keeping an eye on how you are getting on. Your baby is adorable too! x