Am I meant to get a flash of inspiration? A sudden eureka moment? “Ah ha! – I knew there was some thing missing.” Is that what happens when you want a second baby?

I don’t have that. However, I now have 4 friends who had a baby within a few months of me who are pregnant again. So it’s certainly got me thinking about when, if ever, I will feel ready! I would like another, I feel as though someone is missing from our little family and with the talk of moving to a bigger house I feel like there definitely needs to be more little feet with big voices to fill it!

But I’m not broody per say. I have questions and I’m starting to think that maybe I won’t get that moment.

When we started trying for Reuben it went much like this…Mike: should we try for a baby? (he doesn’t remember it like this but it is what happened) Me: yeah OK. I had my coil taken out (TMI) and then we ‘tried’ for 6 months until it happened.

I think back to that time and I don’t ever remember having a deep longing for a baby. I wanted to be pregnant and was disappointed each month when I wasn’t, but I wasn’t really focused on the actual end product. A baby. Does that make sense?

Then 9 months later, Reuben turned up, turned our world upside down and took a hold of my heart. All in a way I could never have anticipated. It was the worst and the best of times! This was not was I was thinking about when I was wanting to get pregnant but then how would I have even known?

This time I do know. Which brings me to…

Second Baby Questions

Question 1. I can’t imagine feeling like that again – it is possible for my heart to be big enough for a second baby?! What if I don’t love it as much? What if I love it more??

Unfortunately, my other questions are less philosophical. In fact they are purely practical.

Question 2. Will I ever get over giving birth to Reuben? – AND THAT WASN’T EVEN A BAD ONE!!

When the first one of my friends got pregnant I felt horrified at the idea – delighted for her but I couldn’t wrap my head around giving birth again. I wasn’t over it and unfortunately when you get pregnant, it does have to come out. People say, my mum included, that the next will by much easier. It’s all lies – it might be easier but then again, it might be worse. That’s just the nature of child birth. And in any case, it is basically a given that it’s going to hurt like a bugger even if it is better than last time!

Question 3. Can I handle having a new born and a toddler?

Mike and I went to a wedding at the beginning of September. It was lovely, romantic, I cried during the ceremony, we were both reminded of the vows we made, there were cute babies there, it was sunny, the view was amazing, it got me fleetingly broody. On the journey home I brought up the topic of when we should try for another. Would we both like another? Yes. We talked about how we could make it work, having a new house. I started to get my head around it, even imagine it and I even started to think: wouldn’t it be lovely for the new arrival to come when we’re just set up in our new home. New house, new baby, complete family. Screw it! Let’s start trying now.

Then I had the week from hell. I don’t know what was wrong with me but I was so down, and I didn’t know why. I was exhausted and I felt like I was being a terrible mum and wife. How on earth could I even contemplate having another when I couldn’t even look after myself?!

I struggle at the best of times to feel like I’m doing enough for Reuben. I’m an awful housewife! And yet here I am in house. Being a wife! Oh, the irony isn’t lost on me. But when I start to feel like things are getting on top of me, I stop looking after myself, maybe drink a few too many glasses of wine and the general spiral is down until I give myself a kick up the arse. It took a week and a half to give myself that kick but it totally made me question if I am cut out to sign myself off to The House, as it were, for a good while longer.

And while we’re at it…

Question 4. Can I handle having another new born?!

I’m not going to lie, I found having Reuben really tough. I love sleep. Oh man, do I?! If I don’t get all 40 of my winks there is hell on. My friends seem to be able to stay up half the night and still make it to all their social engagements the next day. With their make up in place and their hair done. I, on the other hand, can’t stay up half the night – my limit before I get desperate and start crying is about 2 hours. Many a time, when Reubs was small, I had to wake Mike up because I was beside myself – “please take him off me, I can’t handle it anymore. I’m soooo tired!!“. Can I do all that again?! Reuben is waking up regularly at the moment but at least I know how to settle him in a maximum of 15 minutes. This new one is going to be like a little alien that I have to program to the ways of earth. “This is how we do it hear second baby!”

So that’s what’s going on through my head, not to mention all the “do I want to get fat again before I’ve even lost the last baby weight?” debate.

Tell me, are you ready for a second baby? Or how did you feel before you started for your second baby?!