An unplanned pregnancy before you have had children can be problematic, especially if you are young. But what choices do you have once you’ve already had children and feel like another would be damaging to you and your family (financially, emotionally, for health reasons, the list goes on…)? I feel that once you’ve had children, the option of an abortion becomes even more laidened with guilt and isolation. There is an extra dimension because you know what it feels like to be a mother.

A little while ago I posted about how a new friend of mine had fallen pregnant soon after giving birth to a beautiful baby. The pregnancy had been long and difficult, and had made her very ill. Faced with a difficult decision and unsure whether to have an abortion or not, she asked for my advice. It prompted me to write this post about abortion and the isolation women must feel making this decision.

I have since published 2 more posts (here and here) from women writing about their personal experience of abortion as teenagers and how they feel 10 years on (there is still guilt, believe me, so regardless of your stage in life, this doesn’t seem to change). And, today I bring you a story from a friend of mine from a slightly different angle. She was faced with this decision when she quickly fell pregnant with her 4th child…

Unplanned Pregnancy After Children

I have been in the same boat as your friend, when I fell pregnant with 4th child, my 3rd was just 7 months old, and my son was 19 months old. I just couldn’t see how we were going to get by, how I would cope? I mean 3 under 3 we would be mad to continue on. So a few days later, after crying for at least 48 hours, I made the desicion to end the pregnancy. Of course we discussed it as a couple and my husband was behind me, whatever I wanted to do.

I painfully called the doctors and booked our initial appointment…

{This wasn’t an easy choice for me to make. In 2007 I went through with an abortion and without a doubt it is the one thing I wish I had never gone through with. My boyfriend at the time didn’t want a baby and so he gave me the choice him or the baby…I stupidly chose him, scared of been alone and a single mummy to 2 children with 2 dads, looking back there are worse things to be!}

As the days went by, I could sense from my husband it wasn’t what he wanted. I would ask and he would say, “No we will do this..it’s easier this way.”

The morning of our appointment arrived and my husband was quiet…too quiet. And, I caught him crying. In that moment I knew we couldn’t go ahead with this appointment. It wasn’t what I truely hand on heart wanted and it certainly wasn’t what my husband wanted.  Yes it would be a struggle, yes people would judge, (don’t they always?) and yes we would hear more than our fair share of ‘Dont you ever watch tv?’…’Are you mad?’…’You need to learn about contraception!’ (yes someone said that to us!)…’How are you going to cope?’…

NOT ONE person was positive, NOT ONE! And someone even said to us ‘One of you needs to get sterilised’…I mean who says that to someone who is pregnant?

And then the time came for our baby to arrive. I couldnt help but love her that little bit more. And, feel a little guilt every time I looked at her that we weren’t going to complete this pregnancy.

As time has passed that guilt has lessened and the guilt is never as much as I would have experienced going through with the abortion. I still feel guilty, 7 years on, that I had an abortion. His/her birthday would have been the middle of May and instead of celebrating a happy occasion with my family, I end up mourning on my own. The baby that never was.

Thank you for sharing xxx

Having now had a child I can see how difficult, verging on impossible, an abortion would be, so I can 100% relate to the decisions my friend made here.

However, I truly believe in choice and that there is a time and a place for abortion. It is all about circumstances and for some it may be important to have an abortion after having children for any number of reasons, from health and wellbeing to financial reasons. That’s not to say the guilt associated with it will be any easier but as Amy says in her story, “Don’t suffer years of guilt like I did because sometimes the hardest decisions are the best and right ones.”

If you would like to talk to someone about having an abortion, the British Pregnancy Advice Service is a good place to start.

Brilliant blog posts on HonestMum.com

 

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