Book review
When I was recently asked to review a new book called, Zen and the Path of Mindful Parenting – Meditations on Raising Children, I did panic a little at what I might say about such a book. I’m naturally a bit of a hippy at heart and I love subjects like this but I wanted a broader perspective and opinion. So, I thought it would be fun to ask my friends Sarah and Laura (you can meet them both at the bottom of the post!), to also have a read too.
Here is what we made of it…
Zen and the Path of Mindful Parenting
by Clea Danaan, Leaping Hare Press, £8.99
1. What is the book about?
Sarah: This is a great book on taking your parenting one step at a time. It is aimed at people who already have some knowledge of Buddhism or Buddhist practises.
Laura: It is like a guided meditation to parenthood. It covers a range of problems that a parent may face and suggests ways in which you can cope with them better. It doesn’t seek to solve the problems or make them go away but rather gives a different way to approach them.
Hannah: It’s about using mindfulness practices to help navigate the difficult path of parenting.
2. Can you describe what mindfulness means to you after reading this book?
Sarah: Mindfulness means to me slowing down, cherishing the smaller things in life and making the most of those gorgeous innocent years.
“I found myself teaching three five year olds about the effects of wind and how to work out wind direction the other day!” – Sarah
Laura: It means being really aware of everything that is happening around you and then somehow being at peace with whatever emotion you may have. For example, you may be really frustrated by something your toddler is doing but by being mindful you try to clue into exactly what is causing the behavior or exactly why you feel the way you do.
Hannah: This was very much my first experience of mindfulness and it is about being present and noticing. Noticing that your child is screaming. Noticing that you find it annoying or embarrassing, or whatever else you might be feeling. It is in the noticing that you become present, you accept your circumstance and a little burden lifts from your shoulders.
3. Have you found the book has made a difference to your everyday life? Were there any concepts that particularly struck a chord?
Sarah: I’m going through some hard times at the moment and I found it boosted my confidence. My calm way of parenting isn’t that unusual and could really benefit my children. There were many points in the book that struck true to my experiences and reading them in the context of mindfulness was comforting.
Laura: I’ve found myself trying to be more patient when dealing with situations that would usually exacerbate me. I often find walking with my toddler really trying as she will want to balance on walls, stop and pick up leaves, splash in puddles, hold my hand to be able to jump higher, which just results in my arm being tugged … the list goes on and Zen master I am not!
“After reading the book I found myself approaching a situation like this differently. I asked why was I frustrated? Did it really matter if we were late?” – Laura
As a problem solver I realized that we could both be happy by leaving the house earlier and that even at my age, I think that jumping in puddles is fun – we just don’t do it often. Can I really blame her for wanting to enjoy the world?!
The other approach I’ve taken is realizing that unpleasant moments pass. The best example of this being the toddler tantrum. Often, particularly when they are in public, tantrums are hideously embarrassing. Some people look round in sympathy but I often feel pressure to try and get it to stop as quickly as possible. After reading the book, I’ve tried to focus on other things in situations like that – maybe focusing on the air temperature or the ground beneath my feet. It’s a little bit like counting to ten before dealing with the situation. No matter how terrible it is at the time, there is something encouraging thinking that it is only a moment and will be gone really quite quickly.
Hannah: I found it instantly made a difference. I was able to be a lot more patient and reduce the yelling. I was also able to be less scared; fear of going out (which I’ve written about here) or fear of something awful happening to one of my kids. There is quite a bit of guidance through different emotions, including pain and loss, that I found incredibly useful.
Throughout the book there were little ‘playtime exercises’ you can do with your children to help them to practise being present. There was one in particular that I have found incredibly helpful for Gabriella, who is now 9, for when she’s feeling overwhelmed or suddenly upset (normally by something her brother has done!). You locate the place in your body that hurts. For her it was either her throat or stomach, and just the act of noticing it made her instantly calm down.
4. Did you find anything difficult to comprehend?
Sarah: I found that the author’s style wasn’t one that you could sit down and read in one go. The central theme was the Hero’s Journey, but I didn’t really associate myself with this journey, so for me, it wasn’t so successful. She randomly places quotes in the middle of prose and I found that it really broke my concentration of the topic in hand. So much so, I ended up ignoring the quotes, so probably missed something meaningful along the way.
Laura: Some of the ideas just went over my head but I think this is partly because I didn’t identify with the problem that she was exploring, so it just didn’t feel particularly relevant. At some points I would be nodding in agreement and then terms like ‘meditation altar’ would be thrown in and I would find myself growing more skeptical again.
It is obvious that the author subscribes to a form of Western Buddhism; at the start of the book she suggests that there was a selection of ideals that people could pick from but throughout the book more Buddhist concepts were introduced such as the eight-fold path. This isn’t a bad philosophy and certainly people of any faith (and none) could identify with it to an extent but on a personal level, it isn’t a school of thought that I follow so found I switched off when there was too many mentions to this kind of thing.
Hannah: I wouldn’t say there was something in the book I didn’t understand, it was more what wasn’t in there…namely discipline. It’s one thing to notice your kids acting up, and she in fact gives some guidance to how it is often our ego that is reacting when our kids don’t do exactly what we ask them, which I understood, hence I’m being more patient. But I struggle with what to do when my child is actually naughty; bites someone or pulls the cat’s tail. How does you deal with a wriggly toddler intent on destruction in a mindful way?
5. Who or why would you recommend the book to others?
Sarah: I would recommend this book to friends who are actively considering or practising mindfulness and/or Buddhism, but not just as a general gift.
Laura: I would recommend the book to others in that I found it thought provoking. I think I will return to it as something to just dip into on occasion when I have a specific problem or just want to seek a moment of calm. It’s certainly not for everyone but I did find myself parroting bits of advice to people!
Hannah: There were a few moments in the book, which really made me think I must lend this to so-and-so.
“The assurance that parenting is amazing but also really hard and we need ‘allies’ reminded me of both being a new parent but also a step-parent.” – Hannah
I would recommend this book to anyone who is interested in mindfulness techniques and being a calmer parent. There may be times that you raise your eye-brows (in fact I laughed out loud in a few unintentional places) but on the whole it is a lovely, honest book about a real mum (with loads of kids that she’s home-schooling, whilst writing books and working in other capacities!!) and she talks candidly about how she feels at times and how she uses these techniques to become mindful and takes control of a situation.
Does this sound like the kind of book you’d like to read? Does the idea of Mindful Parenting appeal to you?
We’d love to hear you think. Join in the conversation on the Mums’ Days Facebook Page or tweet @mumsdays with your thoughts!
Meet Sarah and Laura
Sarah is a mum of two girls, Ava born in 2010 and Eliza born in 2012. They live in East London with Dad, Ryan, and our two cats, Elsa and Ana (!). Sarah has given up her job in London theatre to be a stay at home mum and her interests are blogging all things family related, especially Pinterest, as well as travelling, reading, crafts and cooking. She has recently spent her time fundraising to replace our local playground.
Laura is a secondary teacher in an all-boys school but is currently embarking on a blessed year of maternity leave! In her spare time she enjoys keeping fit, reading, visiting new places (especially if it involves brunch!) and hanging out with friends. Laura lives in Edinburgh with her husband, Mike, and three children, Ben, Katie and Thomas. Laura also writes the blog Edinburgh Life with Kids and you can tweet her here @ediwithkids.
Sounds like an interesting book – I’ve had some experience of mindfulness and I’m sure it would have helped when the boys were little. But I’m not sure I’d have had the patience to learn it when I had little ones! #TheList
Hannah can I just say first of all that I LOVED this approach to a review with more than one person’s view? It really helps to get a rounded view of the book which is very clever and helpful. I also love the sound of this book – I’ve been practising mindfullness as part of my meditation practise and like you I’ve found that it makes me a more patient (and less shouty) Mummy. Fab review! #TheList
I keep seeing books and posts about mindfulness at the moment but wasn’t sure what it actually was. Now that you have explained it, I realise that I have been doing this in my life recently. I have cut down on work and have taken a step back to breathe as I was suffocating under stress and pressure. I still feel that I should do even more though so may well take a look at this book for more tips. Thanks
I liked the sound of the book, but after reading your and your friends’ comments it sounds like it’s steeped in too much Buddhism philosophy and not enough real parenting advice.
#TheList
I love reading book reviews and I haven’t read any parenting books since my baby was a newborn. Now that we’re getting near toddler time, and having an apparently opinionated baby, I think I’m going to need all the mindfulness I can get to keep from getting overwhelmed. I don’t know if I have the mental energy for a book like this though, it sounds very in-depth! Thanks for reviewing it, I’m off to see if I can get a sample on my Kindle, and see if it’s for me. #TheList
I have dipped in and out of a book called ‘Full Catastrophe Living’ by Jon Kabat – Zin which is a mammoth book to read but gives ideas on how to cope with stress and even pain using mindfulness so I think it is quite similar. I found it useful to consider the ways in which I respond to things and how I can help myself (and probably even those around me) by approaching things/responding to things slightly differently. It certainly opened my eyes to different approaches and made me reflect on my own behaviour. I was ill at the time and it really helped me become more positive.I think (hope!) I am now much better at appreciating things in every day life and don’t stress so much about things that really are not important. I think you can take as much or as little from these type of books as suits you. I am not a religious person but found I could use some of the techniques and it certainly got me thinking… #TheList
This sounds like a great book. I think I could really benefit from being more mindful in all aspects of my life, but definitely parenting is where it would probably be the most effective! It’s all too easy to get caught up in the frustration of the moment!
This sounds really interesting and I loved Sarah’s definition of mindfulness, simple but clear. Great review by the three of you 🙂 #TheList
Nadia – ScandiMummy x
Sounds like an interesting book. I’ve been to mindfulness classes and it is getting more and more popular. I think it can be a very helpful approach – I should probably do a bit more of it! Would be interesting to check out this book and see the parent perspective!
You three ladies impress me, I was a single mom, working nights, trying to get through, I wish I would have been more mindful of the little bits. I love the line about your child enjoying the world, that is so lovely. And I wish I would have slowed down more so we could have enjoyed it together, the world is pretty incredible place!
This book does sound like it has some interesting elements. The idea that you react to your child’s bad behaviour because of your own ego makes perfect sense. No one wants to be shown up #thelist
I found this found really interesting, to be honest the title would usually make me dismiss the book out of hand, zen? no thanks, however I do practice mindfulness after being recommended it in my CBT and I find it really helps my anxiety levels so why not parenting? I also struggle with a fear that my kids will get hurt and often stay home instead of getting out because of this. I might give it a shot! xo
This sounds like something I need in my life to help me take a step back as I am trying reduce the stress and need better ways to manage it! I loved that you got your friends involved too it’s good to see more than 1 persons take on the book
It sounds like an interesting book, but probably not one for me. I do lots of making it up as I go; even then, I recognise that it can be helpful to have tips and tools to draw on from the invisible parenting toolkit. Good review style and lovely to have multiple views shared. 🙂 #TheList