PODCAST 6 - Building your team
Hello and welcome to Happily Ever After, the podcast where we explore all things Divorce and heartache but leave with hope. I am your host Hannah Harvey, and today we are talking about Building your team.
Jim’ll fix it, scout’s rollercoaster with burger and drinks
One of my biggest achievements during my divorce was to build a team so I could metaphorically give them my bottle of milk and burger to hold.
You can go around the rollercoaster holding your burger and your bottle of milk, but I wouldn’t recommend it! And if you needed further convincing, did you know asking for help is an act of bravery!
I’m reading Ryan Holiday’s Courage is Calling at the moment and every chapter is something I wish I’d heard in assembly at school. It’s so good and so perfect if you’re going through divorce because, let’s face it, you definitely need courage at times!
Now this is what he says about speaking up and asking for help…
“We are as sick as our secrets. We are at the mercy of fears we dare not articulate, paralyzed by assumptions we refuse to put to the test.
“It’s okay to need a minute. It’s okay to need a helping hand. To need reassurance, a favour, forgiveness, whatever. Need therapy? Go! Need to start over? Okay! Need to steady yourself on someone’s shoulder? Of course!
“You won’t get any of this if you don’t ask. You won’t get what you’re afraid to admit you need. So ask now, right now, while you have the courage. Before it’s too late.
“We’re in this mission together. We’re comrades. Ask for help. It’s not just brave, it’s the right thing to do.”
THat’s cool right? Are you convinced yet?
Hmmm, my suspicion is probably not, because we all can come up with a thousand reasons why we should really do it all on our own, so I’ll go one further.
My superpower is putting out fires and problem solving - give me a situation and I’ll go all in and have it fixed by tea time. YOu need a cherry picker in an hour? No probs. You want me to reinvent the wheel by Friday. Leave it with me.
Especially as women we can feel like we have to do it all. It doesn’t count if I haven’t done it. My mum and grandmother did all the childcare and cleaning on their own whilst holding down a job. I owe to them to do this all. By. myself. And then the world will me I AM good enough.
Just as a sad heads up, that isn’t going to happen. There is no medal for doing it all.
But the problem with divorce is that you are the golden goose - if you flog yourself too hard, there’s going to be nothing left. There will be no golden eggs. Divorce is traumatic and your brain is very busy dealing with the shitstorm that’s going on in there. This means you need to slow everything down.
There are times when you need all your strength, resilience, patience and general sparkly you-ness, so you have got to give yourself a break. You need plenty of time to look after yourself, eating well, getting lots of sleep and acknowledge your feelings, and you need to reduce stress as much as you can.
You might be so bad at asking for help that this sounds terrifying and by all means ignore me but if you need permission to take your foot off the pedal then let me be that fairy godmother and grant you the permission you need.
And I will reiterate “Ask for help. It’s not just brave, it’s the right thing to do.”
I also would go one further and say this is self care and is a great opportunity to demonstrate to your children or anyone around who might need to see it, how to prioritise yourself and your needs, and that it’s ok to need help.
Maybe you need to start small. Look at yourself as if you’re a business and they say you should hire your weakness. and let me be clear that help does not have to be a paid help. But if you think along the lines of what do I hate the most, or what is causing me the most stress or what would make the biggest difference, that’s a really great place to start.
So it might be that you need time to yourself so you can do some yoga or stare out the window and cry. I used to feel really guilty about this one - I felt that I could ONLY ask for help if it was to do something, like go to work or an exercise class, or something. If this is you, feel free to make something up - a meeting with Dr Von Gooseman or something, and have some guilt-free golden time really taking care of yourself.
It might be that you need help with cleaning. I used to be deeeeeeply ashamed of having a cleaner. But I love my cleaners. Do not make me choose between them and you because you will lose. I would give up many things (coffee, eating out, even sex) before I owuld give them up. The feeling you get when you come home to a clean house that you haven’t had to do yourself, is nothing short of magical. At a time when you are sad and struggling, having that feeling that someone is looking after you, will bring a ray of sunshine and a lot of hope. It could be as little as once a month, but I highly, highly recommend allowing yourself to have this treat. Because you deserve it.
Another biggy is getting financial or legal advice, or some other thing that is really causing you stress but you’ve put your head in the sand and you want to pretend it doesn’t exist. But it does and the fact you’re ignoring it means you’re even more stressed! This kind of help will almost certainly cost you money but it will give you clarity and space. Shining a light on the thing you are worried about stops it being scary and gives you the power to do something about it.
The essential people in my team are
Free help:
Friends and family - childcare, company, etc etc
Drs - are you coping?
Paid help:
Legal
Cleaning
Financial planning
Therapy
childcare
AD Break
What not to do…
Try and keep his family onside. You may think you are right, you may love them, but they are his family. He will need them and they will (and should) always choose him over you. That really hurt when I came to that realisation. And I grieved this family that had been a huge part of my life for a long time.
When someone offers you help, and they will, say yes please and then come up with something they can help with! Your people want to help and it’s a way for them to feel connected to your struggle and feel like they’re making a difference. You’ll have your chance to repay them.
Ok my love, have a great week, go and say yes to help and I will see you next week for another episode of the Happily Ever After with me, Hannah Harvey. Don’t forget to review and subscribe and if you have a friend who might enjoy, please do recommend they listen too!
And don’t forget that you can get in touch either through instagram @hharveywrites or via my website hannahharvey.uk. I would love to hear from you, and any thoughts you have about this week’s episode!
See you next week!
