00:00:00 - 00:00:20
Hannah: Hello and welcome to Happily Ever After. It's me, Hannah Harvey. And this week I have got the second part of my interview with Leeanne Bennet. If you miss the first episode, which was last week, I recommend you go back and have a little listen. But otherwise, please do enjoy.
00:00:22 - 00:00:54
Leeanne: And I'm very much a person who doesn't live with regret. When it's done, it's done. You can't go back. But I really wanted to have a positive behaviour during that. I want it to be able to hold my head up high. And there were moments that I couldn't because hormones might have been involved or frustration, anger, whatever it might be. But overall, I feel like I can reflect on it and feel okay about the process.
00:00:56 - 00:00:56
Hannah: Yeah.
00:00:57 - 00:00:58
Leeanne: But it's not easy.
00:00:59 - 00:01:04
Hannah: No, but five years on, you feel like you're at a place where.
00:01:04 - 00:01:05
Leeanne: Yeah.
00:01:05 - 00:01:09
Hannah: Georgie's happy. You're obviously communicating well.
00:01:09 - 00:01:28
Leeanne: Yeah, we're communicating well. I think, you know, there's always going to be a bit of fallout from these things. But I have completely you know, I've handed over those two businesses. I completely retrained in a different area, and I'm doing something that's really meaningful to me.
00:01:29 - 00:01:31
Hannah: So what are you doing now, Leeanne?
00:01:31 - 00:02:07
Leeanne: So I retrained the psychological well-being practitioner. So it's very much focussed on cognitive behavioural therapy and working with people who have anxiety, depression, all of that type of thing. And I started out actually in the North East Prison Service, which was amazing, but it was incredibly challenging. And now I work within occupational health, so very, very different. But what I've realised in in helping provide therapy for people is how important therapy is.
00:02:07 - 00:02:13
Hannah: Mm hmm. It was huge for me during that process.
00:02:13 - 00:03:31
Leeanne: Yeah, and it is. And I always like to hear people's personal experiences of therapy because they're different for everybody. And what I would encourage people to do is think about. You know, sometimes people don't always connect with their therapist. We we call it a therapeutic relationship. And if you don't connect with your therapist, you probably not going to get the best out of it. So I really encourage people to, you know, ask themselves the question, you know, do you feel like you've got that therapeutic relationship? And if you haven't. Get a different therapist for a start. But it really enables you to. Think about how you deal with things. But I think the biggest thing I've learned with people is that. You know, the thing I said about our experiences that we've had help us deal with our experiences now. Yeah. Once we can unpick why we do things in a certain way, or once we unpick how our experiences of led us to the point we're at now. I think that's that's the biggest eye opener for a lot of people.
00:03:31 - 00:03:37
Hannah: Yeah, that's been crucial for me being like, Oh, so that's why I do that.
00:03:37 - 00:04:30
Leeanne: Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. So it's just fully understanding yourself. Yeah. And we don't spend time exploring that. And I think exploring that is. That's the jigsaw puzzle. That's the missing bit. So once we can figure out. The who, the why, the when. You know all of that all of our back story, we can then figure out, okay, so I know why I react in a certain way now what am I going to do about it? I know this is a trigger for me, so how do I manage that? Because I think our mental health plays such a pivotal role in our relationships as well. Yeah. So it's, you know, and often we are triggered by our partners or ex partners.
00:04:31 - 00:04:32
Hannah: And future ones.
00:04:33 - 00:04:54
Leeanne: Absolutely. Absolutely. Because, you know, I think mental health is a continual process as well. You know, just because we've had sort of like 12 sessions of CBT or we've had, you know, 12 sessions with a counsellor. Brings our awareness to things and gives us coping strategies. But there's always going to be challenges.
00:04:54 - 00:05:56
Hannah: Definitely. Definitely. And it's trying to piece together. The bigger thing for me was. The fact that because this is another thing that we were talking about was that project that I was talking to Katie about last week. So I interviewed what Katie said, and we both were like, Oh, we've got this project, Everyone's got the project that isn't finishing and it won't finish. And I think part of my therapeutic journey was trying to work out. Why I hold my back self back so much. I'll say that again. Why I hold myself back so much. And you picked up on that. And I'll read what you said because it was really interesting. You said so. My thing is a book that I've written, like it's 40,000 word book. Like, it didn't take me 5 minutes. I f**king worked my arse off writing this b***ard thing.
00:05:56 - 00:05:58
Leeanne: This is crazy.
00:05:58 - 00:06:38
Hannah: And it's still just sitting. It's literally sitting in a drawer that I can see here. But yes, you said what would be the consequence of finishing the book? What would would that open you up to criticism? Would the dream you've been chasing no longer be a dream? And then what would we do. If we're constantly striving to achieve what happens when we do? I think that's so fascinating because it is. It's somewhere between like, Oh, it's a dream of mine to be an author. I would love it. But what happens if I'm then it's public. If I just self published and then it's done. And then you're like, Oh..
00:06:40 - 00:07:08
Leeanne: Yeah. And also, you know, like, I don't know about you, but a dream for me was to be married and be content and have a family. Yeah. And that went to s**t. Yeah. So, you know, if we, if we've had those experiences where we've had a dream, we've held that we've got it on a pedestal. Then what?
00:07:08 - 00:07:17
Hannah: Yeah, that one didn't work out, So maybe I'll just chase. The not-dreams, but the in-between things.
00:07:17 - 00:08:08
Leeanne: Yeah. And I think it's also about, you know, it's. It's. If we have something that we're striving for. And then we achieve it. We're then just going to strive for something else. And it's the I think sometimes the fear comes from constantly striving for something. And either not being able to achieve it. So i.e., let's unpick the book. Let's say you go to a publisher. And someone then says to you. Hannah we love this but. That's the same as someone saying, Hannah, I love you, but.
00:08:08 - 00:08:08
Hannah: But
00:08:08 - 00:08:13
Leeanne: And none of us like the but. And the but often means we have to change something.
00:08:13 - 00:08:18
Hannah: Yeah, we're going to have to do a bit more work. I've already done a load of work.
00:08:18 - 00:08:19
Leeanne: Or do we have to change ourselves?
00:08:19 - 00:08:30
Leeanne: Yeah. And that's frightening. And that's someone getting that light out and shining it on you. Do we want to expose ourselves to that?
00:08:32 - 00:08:32
Hannah: Hmm.
00:08:32 - 00:08:42
Leeanne: But also, if we strive for something and we achieve it and it's brilliant. Then what?
00:08:42 - 00:08:44
Hannah: Yeah. Can you ever repeat that?
00:08:44 - 00:08:46
Leeanne: Yeah. Can I live up to that?
00:08:46 - 00:08:47
Hannah: Yeah.
00:08:48 - 00:08:54
Leeanne: Yeah. So I think we hold ourselves to a lot of unwritten rules and assumptions.
00:08:54 - 00:09:05
Hannah: Because both of those options are pretty crap. So what's the middle ground? Where's the bit where we go - Listen, Brain. It's going to be okay either way.
00:09:05 - 00:09:10
Leeanne: Yeah, absolutely. And you know what? We don't know, do we?
00:09:11 - 00:09:11
Hannah: No.
00:09:13 - 00:10:35
Leeanne: And we don't have control over anything. And that's the one thing I want people to realise is that and I have this conversation with patients all the time is I'll say so, okay, you tell me what you have control over. And they'll list off things and I'll go, Really? Do you really have control over that? And they'll go. Oh, maybe not. And the only thing you have control over is yourself and the choices you make and the way you approach things. So regardless to what the consequence of finishing that book might be. You might just want to do it anyway because it's something you want. So think about why you're doing it and what would happen if you did finish it. And so basically we're doing that whole challenge in a bit bit there. We're thinking, you know, what's the benefit, what's what's positive, what's negative about this? And I think sometimes we just have to take a leap of faith. Because we can't control the outcome irrespective. Because we don't have control over it. Yeah. We don't have control over us. So if I finish this book and I submit it to a publisher, what's the worst that's going to happen?
00:10:37 - 00:10:38
Hannah: Yeah. Just gets ignored.
00:10:39 - 00:10:40
Leeanne: Could do.
00:10:40 - 00:10:46
Hannah: Which to me is like, the worst. That's one of my fears. Being completely ignored. Being boring.
00:10:46 - 00:10:53
Leeanne: Yeah, but. But. But again, that's something that you're holding yourself to.
00:10:53 - 00:10:54
Hannah: Yeah.
00:10:54 - 00:11:06
Leeanne: Doesn't mean it's true. And I think it's worth identifying what our core beliefs are and our views of our self are, because they tend to be the thing that holds us back.
00:11:07 - 00:11:08
Hannah: Mm hmm.
00:11:08 - 00:11:27
Leeanne: Whereas actually, what we try to do is we'll say, well, it's this holding me back. It's that holding me back. It's the other holding me back. It's just ourselves, really. So it's worth really thinking about why I want to do this thing. I'm not doing this thing. Why am I not doing this thing?
00:11:28 - 00:11:49
Hannah: Well, mine 100% is because I don't think I'm good enough. That's what I mean. Everybody, it's so common. But that is a core belief that I've established in therapy was I just don't think I'm good enough. I'd be like, I can't do this because I'm not good enough. I can't do that. I'm not good enough. And then you end up not doing anything.
00:11:49 - 00:11:52
Leeanne: Exactly. And then that's almost worse.
00:11:53 - 00:11:58
Hannah: Because then I'm sitting there going, Why am I not doing that thing? I'm so lazy, I'm not good enough. I haven't done that thing.
00:11:58 - 00:12:30
Leeanne: Therefore, we just end up on this like roundabout where one thing just reinforces the other. So we need to think about how we break that type of cycle. Yeah. And once we can figure out just the baby step that gets you off that, off that merry go round, then we can go. Oh right. Okay. So, you know. What small thing can I do? That isn't going to have a massive impact, but that might give me a bit of a positive. Feeling from it.
00:12:31 - 00:12:31
Hannah: Hmm.
00:12:33 - 00:12:39
Leeanne: So you don't have to submit the book. But maybe you could ask a friend to read it.
00:12:41 - 00:12:42
Hannah: Yeah.
00:12:42 - 00:12:52
Leeanne: And then have a chat about it, you know? So you're exposing yourself in a way, but you're not fully exposing yourself. So it's like a little ladder.
00:12:53 - 00:12:58
Hannah: Yeah. I'll have a think and decide later.
00:12:58 - 00:13:24
Leeanne: Yeah. That's difficult, though, I think, because I think fundamentally, like you said, most people and mine absolutely is that I'm not good enough. And so I have felt it's held me back. And it's it's tough, isn't it? But the way I keep coming back to it is. What would I want my daughter to do?
00:13:24 - 00:13:25
Hannah: Mmm.
00:13:26 - 00:13:45
Leeanne: And so I try and think about things in those terms because it's easier for me to do that. So I might be like, if I'm talking to myself negatively or I'm putting myself down, I'll go, Hold on. Would I talk like this to my daughter? Absolutely not. What? I want my daughter to talk to herself like that.
00:13:45 - 00:13:46
Hannah: Yeah.
00:13:47 - 00:14:16
Leeanne: Absolutely not. So why am I doing it to myself? Because if we recap, we said earlier we need to model our behaviour, don't we, for our kids. So I need to be positive about me. Because I want her to be positive about her. Yeah, I would want her to submit that book because I can guarantee it's bloody brilliant, you know? So it's really and it's hard and it takes work and.
00:14:18 - 00:15:14
Hannah: It is the little baby steps. Like I feel like this podcast, restarting my blog, even just like posting an Instagram post at one point was just I couldn't do it. I was like, I can't start posting on Instagram because I won't keep it up and you've got to be consistent. And I just disappeared and I'll start and then I'll disappear again. So even just a simple thing of being like, right, I'm going to post an Instagram post today and whatever happens, it's going to be okay. It doesn't have to be groundbreaking because you're like, Oh my God, I'm re-emerging. It must be the best thing that's ever been written on the Internet. It's like just f**king post a picture with a hashtag and it's those little steps that have got me back. And I'm pretty sure it's all related to that book. Everything I'm doing is all a roundabout process to me. Finally doing something with that book.
00:15:14 - 00:15:14
Leeanne: Yeah.
00:15:15 - 00:15:16
Hannah: So we'll get there.
00:15:17 - 00:15:51
Leeanne: Yeah, but it's about that. It's about the language you use with yourself as well, isn't it? Yeah. It's about being more positive with it and really, really picking yourself up on on the language that you use with yourself. Like, you know, I'll pick up on certain things that my patients will say, and it's like, I have to do this or I must do that. And oh, they must be thinking this. And I'll say, What about if we just tweak that language? You know, what about rather than if I say must, let's change that to to maybe something not so fixed.
00:15:52 - 00:15:52
Hannah: Yeah.
00:15:53 - 00:16:16
Leeanne: And so I think there's lots of little things that we can do that can improve our mental health or self care or. But it's about awareness. And it all starts with. Bringing everything to your awareness. Because then you go, Right, okay, I'm aware of this. What am I going to do?
00:16:18 - 00:16:19
Hannah: Amazing.
00:16:19 - 00:16:20
Leeanne: What am I going to do is the hardest bit.
00:16:21 - 00:16:24
Hannah: I know. Right? It's a work in progress.
00:16:24 - 00:16:24
Leeanne: Yeah.
00:16:24 - 00:16:31
Hannah: Yeah. As long as you're doing something, I find it leads you on to the next thing that takes you closer to what you're going to do.
00:16:31 - 00:16:38
Leeanne: Absolutely. Whether it be a tiny incremental step, whether it be feeling like you can't wash the dishes and you wash the dishes.
00:16:39 - 00:16:39
Hannah: Yes.
00:16:40 - 00:16:41
Leeanne: Yeah. Yeah.
00:16:41 - 00:16:42
Hannah: 100%.
00:16:43 - 00:17:14
Leeanne: And I think a real, real key thing for me as well was, you know, we talked about working on friendships and relationships. The one thing that I've been able to do and I don't know if you ever felt like this, but when you're in a marriage, that's the focus. And it's hard to focus on friendships because you don't always have time and things like that. And the one thing I've done since getting divorced is really invest the time and energy in friendships
00:17:14 - 00:17:15
Hannah: 100%.
00:17:16 - 00:17:18
Leeanne: And that has been my saving grace.
00:17:18 - 00:17:19
Hannah: Mm hmm.
00:17:20 - 00:17:24
Hannah: Like some of the girls around me have just been incredible.
00:17:25 - 00:17:32
Leeanne: Yeah. And I think the journey is tougher, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah.
00:17:32 - 00:17:39
Hannah: Well, to finish on Leeanne, how's the dating going? Post-Divorce.
00:17:39 - 00:17:41
Leeanne: Christ, well
00:17:41 - 00:17:43
Hannah: And keep it short, we've got to finish.
00:17:43 - 00:18:27
Leeanne: Yeah. God, I mean, that's like a whole segment in itself, isn't it? And do you know what? Overall, I'm I'm not in a relationship at present. But what I have done. And actually, I. I definitely think this has been a good thing. So I've dated on and off for the five years and I've really discovered what is important to me in a partner. I met my ex partner when I was 21. I had no idea who I was. I had no idea really of my values. And I really believe your values have to align.
00:18:28 - 00:18:29
Hannah: Very much .
00:18:29 - 00:18:51
Leeanne: So I've had some fun. I've had some tears. But overall, I've really learned about myself. So regardless to whether it's been a big shift and I'm still not maybe in a, you know. Long term committed relationship.
00:18:52 - 00:18:53
Hannah: Whatever that looks like when you got kids.
00:18:54 - 00:19:03
Leeanne: Yeah, exactly. What I do have is my freedom and my sense of self. Yeah. And that's actually more important to me.
00:19:04 - 00:19:28
Hannah: This is I was literally having this conversation with the guy I'm dating at the moment and that we're seeing each other at weekends, but. It's like only when I don't have the kids and I'm like, This is perfect. I don't want you to meet my kids. I don't want you to ever move in. I want complete autonomy over my life. And I would like to go for dinner and the occasional holiday with you.
00:19:28 - 00:20:10
Leeanne: Do nice things. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. The one thing I find difficult. So I have my daughter 60% of the time and obviously work full time. And amongst that have to fit in housework and, you know, seeing friends and stuff. So trying to carve out that time is difficult. And then doing the whole dating process, you sort of think, Oh God, I've wasted my time going for dinner with somebody, so don't go for dinner. Go for dog walk, because then you kill two birds with one stone. Or go for a coffee. So I've reduced I've reduced my time that I spend....
00:20:11 - 00:20:12
Hannah: Meeting,
00:20:12 - 00:20:18
Leeanne: Meeting. But I think you quite quickly know now that's what I've discovered.
00:20:18 - 00:20:19
Hannah: Yeah, definitely.
00:20:19 - 00:20:20
Leeanne: Yeah.
00:20:20 - 00:20:23
Hannah: Oh, Leeanne, this has been amazing. Thank you so much.
00:20:23 - 00:20:33
Leeanne: Oh, honestly, it's been a pleasure. And I honestly think what you have done as part of this podcast will have helped countless people.
00:20:33 - 00:20:33
Hannah: Awww
00:20:33 - 00:20:57
Leeanne: You will have. So I think you might not think you're good enough. But I think you should be incredibly proud of yourself, of what you've done. And turning your difficult experiences into experiences that other people can relate to. And probably learn a lot from. So I think you should pat yourself on the back.
00:20:58 - 00:20:59
Hannah: Thanks, Leeanne.
00:21:01 - 00:21:41
Hannah: All right. Thank you so much for listening and have a great week and I'll see you next time for another episode of Happily Ever After with me, Hannah Harvey. I would be very grateful if you wouldn't mind leaving a review or subscribing because this helps more people find this podcast. And of course, if you've got a friend who you think might enjoy this episode, please do recommend it to them as well. For anything else, your thoughts on the episode or any questions, please do get in touch with me through Instagram @MumsDays or you can email me. Hannah at Mums days dot com and I genuinely love hearing from you, so please do get in touch, byee.
