Hannah [00:00:03]:
Welcome to Happily Ever After, the podcast where we talk about life's big stories, from breakups and breakdowns to icky secrets and happy endings. It's the stuff that makes us human. I'm your host, Hannah Harvey. I'm a writer and a parenting blogger at mumsdays.com. That's M.U.M.S.D.A.Y.S dot com. I'd be really grateful if you could subscribe and leave a review because it basically means more people can find the podcast. And I also really love hearing from you. So please do contact me through Instagram @mumsdays with any of your stories, really, and how you relate to the episode or even questions that you may want answering. You can find all the details from this episode in the show Notes. Hello and welcome to Happily Ever After. It's me, Hannah, and today I'm joined by Amber Horrocks, who is a writer, a speaker, a coach. I know that you're working with people with chronic illness. Isn't that right? Hi, Amber.
Amber [00:01:08]:
Hi, Hannah. Thanks for having me.
Hannah [00:01:12]:
Yeah, you seem to have so many strings to your bow, and I can't wait to learn all about all of that stuff. But one of the main reasons we were introduced by our mutual friend Claire- Claire Venus is basically because, well, let's say I was having love issues, and she basically said, you need to meet Amber because you put yourself on a sex ban. Is this correct?
Amber [00:01:44]:
I did. I'm so honored that she recommended me. Yeah. It'll be three years ago now. I'd come to the end of yet another long term relationship, a five year one. One where this time we both got on the same page. We both had a talk about our future, we both agreed that we wanted different things, and we parted as friends, which was the complete opposite of how all my other relationships had ever ended. And in that space, I was about two years into a healing journey, healing myself from chronic illness, chronic migraine, fibromyalgia, tinnitus, anxiety and depression. So I was already pretty far down that healing journey path, and I just identified that it was really time to end patterns and behaviors and cycles, as I'd already begun to do with the chronic pain, chronic fatigue, and now it was time to end the relationship cycles. And the only way for me to do that was to quite literally put myself on a sex ban.
Hannah [00:02:55]:
So yeah, I mean. I don't know why Claire thinks this is what I need, but yeah, I think she might be right you know. Because.. since ending the marriage ended three years ago and I've dated various different people, but I think in many ways when you're dating lots of different people. Not that I've been dating loads of people, but when you're seeing other people, it's like a really lovely distraction from what you really should be doing. And so, yeah, the the last guy I was dating, it was never going to work. Never, ever in a million years. But part of me was like, well, I think I need to do this in order to learn some lessons about myself.
Amber [00:03:45]:
Absolutely, yeah. I mean, I hadn't realized until that last breakup, kind of just over three years ago now, that I was actually codependent. I was in these relationships after relationship after relationship, never really being well, never really being fully wanting to be in them, but not quite realizing that the reason that I was in them was out of codependency, was out of distraction, was out of running from myself, and also pretty avoidant in nature. I'd not realized that either until recently. My kind of relationship style is pretty avoidant. And it really helped. I think there's like three known attachment styles. There's anxious, avoidant, avoidant, and anxious and secure. I'm now in a secure attachment relationship for the very first time in my life. But that's not how I've been in the past. So for me, avoidant is it sounds a bit brash, but I couldn't really care if they were there or not. I couldn't care less if they were around or they weren't around.
Hannah [00:04:58]:
But you still wanted them there because you had that co-dependency. Wow, that's a head fuck.
Amber [00:05:01]:
and an addiction to sex.
Hannah [00:05:05]:
Did you?! See, this is the thing that I'm wondering now. Like, I've got addictive tendencies. I quit drinking six years ago, but I know that it then went from that into sort of eating disorder territory. So like binging or starving and managing life in that way. And then coffee for sure, addiction to that. But then I've heard since that you can also be like, codependency is a form of addiction. So being addicted to drama almost, I was like because my brother said that to me when I left my husband. He was like, maybe you're addicted to drama. And I was like, as if why would anybody be? But I honestly think I might be because I'm dating.
Amber [00:05:56]:
It sounds crazy, like I've shared all those addictions that you've listed there, and I've also had to sit with the deep, deep, deep and dark discomfort that I'm also addicted to pain as well. And it just logically, it just doesn't add up, it doesn't make sense. But when we dig a little deeper and really take our healing work that much further.
Hannah [00:06:22]:
The drama in relationships is often very much it's a pain. And I think that's the same for all of the things that we'll do, whether it's taking drugs or alcohol. You always get the come down as well. And the pain of that.
Amber [00:06:39]:
Absolutely.
Hannah [00:06:40]:
I've never thought of it like that. So you came to the conclusion that in order to break this codependent cycle, you needed to have a complete sex band. Did that mean you weren't dating?
Amber [00:06:54]:
For me it did, because the situation I would find myself in personally was that I would meet someone, I would have sex with them, and then nine out of ten times they'd want to see me again. And I would then become addicted to the sex. And so I would never ever, not once did I ever sit and ask myself what I wanted. Was it right for me, what I was looking for? I never sat with any of these questions, so I would essentially go with the first person that came along and that was it. And before I would know it, I would be in a relationship.
Hannah [00:07:29]:
I can totally relate to that. Yeah. Even when like so the last guy I was dating, I have talked to about him on the podcast a bit, the art teacher, but we met and he said he was dating lots of different people. And so if I wanted to continue seeing him, it meant that he was also seeing other people and I had to be okay with that. And I was like, yeah, I'm really fucking not. So I met him the next day and I was like, I really like you, and I couldn't share you. But then a week later I was like, oh, but we had great sex. And he was really hot and he's really fun and really interesting and all the things I would want from somebody, but he doesn't want kids and I have two. So it was like I knew it was a bad idea, but I still thought maybe I need to practice being with somebody. And like, that would help my codependency if I was with him, knowing that he was seeing other people. That, I believe is called addiction to pain. It was fucking awful.
Amber [00:08:40]:
Bless you.
Hannah [00:08:42]:
And it lasted like that for five months. We finally became exclusive after five months. And then a few months after that, I was like, oh, at some point it would be nice if we could go to the beach with my kids or something. And he's like, absolutely not. 100% not something he wants. Which fair play to him. He was always honest and open about what he wanted.
Amber [00:09:02]:
And there's also that element in a relationship like that which I'm sure many of us and many listeners can identify with, where we're overlooking and sacrificing and putting to one side our needs, which are what we want, and what's important to us and our values, all in the name of whatever it is. Being with someone, being desired, being wanted, being loved.
Hannah [00:09:29]:
Yeah, it's a really tricky one. And towards the end, I did notice that I was starting to get really anxious and didn't feel safe. And so, yeah, I mean, we try all these things and it's an experiment, it's not a failure, it's just a lesson learned.
Amber [00:09:47]:
Absolutely. And I really think we need a hell of a paradigm shift there as well. We come out of a relationship, we see it as a failure, as though we've made a massive mistake, as though we've wasted all this time in our lives. When I think I saw it first on Holistic Psychologist, we really need to normalize the endings of relationships. They are not failures. They are growth experiences. Something that we can take lessons from, really learn from about what it is that we want, what it is that we don't want, and really normalize the endings of relationships because it is normal.
Hannah [00:10:26]:
Totally, 100%. I think you just have so much to learn. And especially we get to our like, if you followed the normal, quote unquote progression, you met somebody when you're in your 20s, you married them, you had kids, whatever, and then you split up and you're like, Holy shit, I've never actually been single. How do I do this?
Amber [00:10:51]:
That was what I found. It was always one boyfriend to another with a really small gap in between. So essentially, I'd spent, like, over two decades of my life, never had having had spent any time single and on my own. And that was the first time when I kind of set that sex ban. That was the first time that I'd had any time, real time, on my own, fully for me.
Hannah [00:11:20]:
So I'm one month into mine wearing sex ban green. I decided this was the right colour for this episode. What's green in the chakras? Is it heart?
Amber [00:11:33]:
Yes. Heart. Love
Hannah [00:11:34]:
I knew it. So can you explain what your ground rules were for your sex band and how long did it last?
Amber [00:11:44]:
So I'd come out of that five year relationship, just to backtrack a little bit. The previous relationship I'd come out of that I was in for seven years. I knew, I absolutely knew. It was just call it what you want, but to me, it was an inner knowing that I needed one year to myself, single, so that I could really heal from that relationship and heal from the heartbreak and the pain and the upset that that caused. I had the very best of intentions, but I completely ignored that I was on dating apps.
Hannah [00:12:18]:
That's the thing, it's an addiction.
Amber [00:12:18]:
It's a little bit of fun, scrolling apps. Within the first three months, a bit like yourself, I'd broken certain cycles in my life. So I'd decided with that breakup that I was going to stop taking drugs. But then what that meant was a massive increase in drinking, which was already binge drinking to what I thought was the limit, and very heavily every weekend. But this was on a whole other level, drinking heavily on my own until I passed out and really very depressed. So within three months, I was in a new relationship. So with the end of that one, five years later this time around and the introduction of sex ban, because I knew I needed that year from the previous relationship, I initially set a term of a year, and that's where that came from for me. And really continued the path of healing that I was on and really, for the first time, healed the heartbreak from the seven year relationship that, in the end, took me a little over a year. I think it was nearly a year and a half when I could really finally turn around and say, I feel no kind of emotional attachment to this guy and this person at all. And, yeah, I got a bit of a shock in my life because I ended up being single for two and a half years. In the end, I thought about a year, two and a half. Well, just going with the flow. A big part of my healing journey has been to go with the flow a little bit more and take it as it comes. I was very clear in terms of my ground rules. No dating, no apps, no looking. Really spending that time getting clear on what I wanted, what I was looking for, what was important to me. And funnily enough, Dave, it was Claire Venus husband. So I've been working with him for about four and a half years. He's my body work therapist and yoga teacher and all around spaceholder. And he passed me a book called Fierce Medicine, written by Anna Forrest. Now she is fucking fierce. I don't know if you've heard of.
Hannah [00:14:23]:
She's my.. I teach forrest yoga so...
Amber [00:14:32]:
Oh, my gosh. Oh, my goodness. He passed me her book, and towards the end of that book is actually a section on ethics. So whether that's relationship, sex, spiritual, religious, family, whatever it is, there's a section at the end on ethics and I really sat with that. It was the first of the three lockdowns I think we're in at the time. So I was really fortunate to have been gifted that time and that space. And I really sat with the ethics. And I have brought them here if you'd like me to take you through them and read out what I wrote, which is now, it was June 2020, so it's just over three years ago.
Hannah [00:15:11]:
I would absolutely love to hear them, if you don't mind.
Amber [00:15:16]:
Not at all. We'll see how it goes. Here it goes. The ethics, which, interestingly enough, the first one that was recommended was relationships. The second one was sex. I saw them as very blurred and sat down and wrote ethics, to me were around relationships and sex. And there's four different elements to it. So there's the goal ethics, which are obviously the goals of the person that you want to become and give you areas to develop on yourself. There's the action ethics, and obviously, of course, that's the action that you're going to take towards achieving what it is you desire. And then there are tap root ethics, which are I think that's what you yeah, the tap root ethics are to really hone in and check in on the work you've already done to get to where it is that you want to be, which I really think is worthwhile kind of honoring and recognizing and valuing as well. And then entrapment ethics, which was especially good for me. What is it that's going to trip me up? What's going to stop me from getting to where I want to be? What's going to hold me back? This is kind of what I wrote there and then. So goal ethics. Incidentally, I read these out to I know we're probably going to come onto it, but my partner now, who I met just several months ago, I read these out to him last night, and he couldn't believe that I'd written something two and a half years before we met and then brought it into life in the way that we have. Hannah: I've got goosebumps!! Amber: Thank you. So the goal ethics to align with a true life partner that starts on the basis of a friendship, where we discover shared healing values, goals, beliefs, interests, visions before we even think about the physical side, which we both know will be great, intimate, fulfilling, a shared and previously unexplored interesting tantric sex which is an adventure we'll embark on together. An authentic love, unconditional deep like the ocean. We'll create a life together and I just wrote a few things down. Like wild camping, mountain hiking, hiking in the hills, dancing in the kitchen, travel. Someone I can learn to hold space for and can do the same for me. We are both loyal and faithful to one another. He really compliments me and grounds me, is supportive beyond measure. Loves me even when I go into a dark place or turn to a dark side. Someone I can learn to do this with myself and like swans, bonded for life, learning from our successes and our failures.
Hannah [00:17:58]:
I love it so much that's mine. Good. Please say.
Amber [00:18:04]:
Absolutely. And then the action. Thank you. The action ethics were to have an unwavering trust that this person does exist for me and that I too am exactly the spirit they are seeking. Patience, a slowed down approach to how I usually am. Practice in finding a partner to meet my needs. Overreacting who shows up first. Move back to Yorkshire because I was living in the northeast at the time of writing this. Move back to Yorkshire. Establish a healing circle. Become one with nature. Hang out where he hangs out. Trust that we will align when good and ready. Continue the work in inverted commas, deepen my healing spiritual, mental and emotional self and being. Keep being true to myself, aligning with who I truly am and sharing my gifts with the world that I was always meant to. Just as he will be doing.
Hannah [00:19:05]:
Absolutely beautiful.
Amber [00:19:06]:
Beautiful. Thank you. And then the tap root ethic. So this was kind of the work that I was already doing behind the scenes, well on my way like never before. Complete role reversal and approach to sex and intimate relationships. As a result of all the work I've done so far, all the healing, massage therapy, insights, awareness, dreams, journaling have revealed and healed my true in brackets traumaed, closed brackets self in a way I never thought imaginable. I'm so far down the right path, there's no rearing off. It's more a continuation of all the work I'm already doing. If I hang out in all the spaces and all the places I want to be and spend most of my time where I want to spend my time, then I am sure to meet him. And I really did. I had that unwavering trust that it just didn't matter that I wasn't on dating sites, it didn't matter that I wasn't going out there all the time in these big groups of people, even Louise Hay, whose work she wrote the book You Can Heal Your Life, I deeply admire her work so much. Even she talks about putting yourself out there, getting yourself out in groups, meeting people. But I just really stayed true to me and my owning and knowing that if I just kept doing what I was doing and continuing with my own healing work, then it would be inevitable that alignment would have to happen at some point. And then the entrapment ethics, this is the kind of thing that could have knocked me sideways or took me off path. Kind of the beliefs, this was what came out of it when I sat with it anyway, was the beliefs, it's not true, it doesn't exist. You're not good enough, you're not worthy enough. You don't know what you're doing, you don't know what you're on about. As if acting on loneliness, neediness and desperation, I mean, I never realized that that was where a lot of relationships, my previous relationships, had been born out of that neediness, that desperation, I guess, to be with someone, to be loved, to be wanted. So yeah, I knew then that acting on that loneliness, neediness and desperation, instead of feeding myself and nourishing myself, love and attention and taking care of my own needs would be something that would really trip me up or potentially could trip me up.
Hannah [00:21:35]:
Totally get that. It's funny you say that, because when I go on dating apps, the first days, a flurry of like, this is really exciting, and then very quickly it turns into that desperation. And I think it's because you're feeding off everybody else's energy. There's like an app energy.
Amber [00:22:00]:
Yeah. When I went on the dating apps the first and only time round, that was a clear kind of boundary and rule for me that it was going to be a no, never again. Just for me personally. But the first time I really got the impression that it was flooded with people who really ought not to be there. It literally is full of broken hearts, I think. Is it a Brain Ferry song where he says, loneliness is a crowded room full of broken hearts turned to stone? And I never realized at the time that what was being reflected back to me was myself. But I just got the impression that I know a lot of people that have met, happily met on dating websites, all the dreams have come true. Married with children, really happy. So it's not in any way that I'm against it at all. It was just for me, it was just that identifying with that sea, if you like, of people that is it the best place for us? I don't know. Is it the healthiest?
Hannah [00:23:08]:
Yeah. I wonder if it's just a big mirror and actually you can get from it what you want, depending on how you feel. So if I go on, there being like, oh, my God, please, somebody pick me, pick me. And it doesn't matter how many you have picking you. It's never enough.
Amber [00:23:29]:
That's so true. I have a friend. I've never known anyone connect with so many good looking men who have so much going for them. And yet she'll swear blind she never pulls anyone. And I don't know anyone who pulls more than her. She'll swear blind that she doesn't. And like you say, it's not enough.
Hannah [00:23:53]:
Yeah. So I think a lot of people that I seemed to attract were maybe also broken hearted or a bit like they needed to do more healing themselves. But like I say, like attracts a like. So maybe that's more because I'm not ready.
Amber [00:24:13]:
It's a hell of a way to look at it, isn't it? Imagine the change you would experience if we all started looking at it from that kind of...
Hannah [00:24:22]:
Because thinking about it like the energy of vibration and law of attraction and all that kind of stuff. Like, you have to work really hard, or I personally felt I had to work really hard to raise my vibration before I could go on.
Amber [00:24:34]:
Wow. Yeah.
Hannah [00:24:36]:
And even then, I'd meet really lovely guys and then be like, oh, I'm just not sure. So I think it's at that point that you're like, I'm just not ready. If you can't date somebody who's really lovely and would make me feel safe and secure in all the things that would be in my relationship ethics, then I'm just not ready. That's all there is to it.
Amber [00:24:57]:
Absolutely. And I really did believe that I'd just be single for a year, and then I'd meet the man of my dreams, and it just all worked out so perfectly and wonderful because I was doing the work. And as it was approaching, I knew when I got to a year, it had become clear to me that actually, oh, my goodness, I do actually can see. I can see that I actually am going to need longer than a year. But as it was coming to two years, I was like, come on, already. I'm ready. Where are they? I'm ready here now. But it connected in the same way that it just has yourself, which is why I brought it up, that I realized the higher I was taking my vibration, and the deeper I was taking the work, and the more work that I was doing on myself inwardly that that person was then going to be doing the same. And at the point where I started to identify when I was triggered so that I could communicate that, I then realized that actually, wow, I was going to be meeting someone who then would also be able to identify when they were triggered and we would be able to have conversations around that as opposed to arguments and rifts and things like that. And it helped me be a lot more patient, actually, because it was like, yes, this is what I want. I really want the highest vibrational connection that I can possibly bring in so that that person is everything that I am looking for and likewise me for them as well.
Hannah [00:26:25]:
Was there ever a point where you were like, do you know what? Does it really matter if I meet somebody? Or was it always in mind like, I'm going to do this ban because then I'll be ready to meet the right person? Are you one of these people that's like, I need a partner or did you get to the point where you're like actually I don't need anybody?
Amber [00:26:41]:
Do you know what?
Hannah [00:26:41]:
Amber [00:26:46]:
Yeah, I got to a place where I was like, these times that I'm living now, when I meet someone, I always have that unwavering trust and faith, but I was like, when I meet someone, I am never going to get this time back. This time is special. It's precious, it's wonderful. And I want to make the most of it now. I want to be in the present moment. I want to enjoy it. And in the end, I even started dating myself, I started taking myself out on dates. I had a barbecue by myself. I took myself to the cinema. I went on days out exploring on walks. I even got in bed with the tub of Ben and Jerry's one night and we had a real dirt sesh together. I really started to embrace this newfound freedom that I had that I'd never had before, where I could do what I wanted and be what I wanted and get to know myself and enjoy spending time with myself. I've always been fortunate that I've always made friends easy. I've always had an abundance of friends. But I never actually realized that the reason that I had so many friends and why so many people wanted to spend so much time with me was because I actually am a really fun person. I'm a really good, loving, wonderful person to be around. And it took me two years, two years in my own personal experience to really connect with like, oh, wow, actually, yeah, I am good fun. I am pleasurable to be around. This is why I've got so many friends. I want to make the most of this person for me, for myself right now before someone comes in.
Hannah [00:28:29]:
Totally, that's lush. I'm going to take her out for a date. Me.
Amber [00:28:32]:
Yeah. I recommend it to all. Honestly, it was the best dating experience of my life.
Hannah [00:28:40]:
Do you know that happened recently where I was meant to be meeting somebody, I don't know, like two or three months ago for a date? But I was like, let's meet on the beach because I wanted to go for a walk. And then he canceled, and I was like, I'm going to go anyway. So if you just make sure that you're doing things that you'd want to do, even if you were on your own, then you're always going to have the opportunity to date yourself. And I went and bought myself an ice cream, and I laid on the beach and I went in the sea, and it was just really lovely.
Amber [00:29:12]:
Lovely.
Hannah [00:29:16]:
Okay. We found love in the end, so it was a year and a half. And then you felt like you'd healed or done what you needed to do, and then it was another year until you actually met somebody.
Amber [00:29:33]:
That's right.
Hannah [00:29:33]:
Now, I heard through our mutual friends that maybe you'd done some kind of, like, accidental spell on yourself that needed undoing, that you'd accidentally put yourself in some what's it called when you have to wear something around your waist? A chastity belt.
Amber [00:29:56]:
A chastity belt. When was it? I think it was around September last year. A friend or maybe even in the summer, but somewhere leading up there, a friend had come and we were doing card readings and the card came out talking about this contract that I'd set myself under. And I immediately knew it was talking about the sex ban, but I was like, I had no idea that I put myself under a contract. I didn't see it like that. And then I reflected and I was like, well, I actually haven't had sex for two and a half years. Me, this person, me, the sex addicted person that I was, that had to be a contract, two and a half years. And I was like, wow, it actually worked. That's amazing. And then two days later, another message came through again, like, you've got to release this sex ban. I was like, Sex ban contract. I was like, okay, I'm listening. I'm going to release this sex ban contract. I had no idea I'd put myself under this kind of energy.
Hannah [00:31:00]:
So you hadn't like intentionally done it?
Amber [00:31:03]:
No. Well, I put myself on a sex ban, but I hadn't realized that I'd set a contract with myself that I was now going to honor for what then turned out to be two and a half years. So I was like, okay. So I just sat with it for a little bit. And I think in the end, I realized for me that I had to make quite a ritual, like ceremonial practice out of it, really honor it. And I wrote...
Hannah [00:31:31]:
And because it had been such a gift as well. It's like you almost need to seriously pay tribute to what you'd learned during that time.
Amber [00:31:41]:
You've just put it so well because I wouldn't have been able to articulate in the way that you have. These words just came out and I think from memory they were along the lines of expressing gratitude for this time and the benefits that it had bought me in that I had actually broken these old patterns of behavior and cycles never to be repeated again. It was huge. And then with that I think it was a couple of years ago I did a witchcraft course in the third lockdown, just turned myself and we got tasked with casting spells and one of my friends asked me to cast her a love spell and so I did. I'd never done one before in my life. And I cast her a love spell and I just worked with her a little bit to get her really thinking and connecting with what was really important to her and what was meaningful. Beyond someone who earns good money and owns her own house and takes her out to dinner and all the rest of it. I really got her to dig a lot deeper and buy a picture of love or a couple or something that would really invite in what she wanted several months later. She'd never been in a relationship in her life. She'd never been in a relationship in her life. She was in a kind of mid to late thirty s. All she'd ever wanted was to get married and have children and several months later she met someone without a photo and turned up to meet them. Last year they moved in together. She fell pregnant quite quickly. He told her he never wanted to get married again because of his first experience and a few weeks ago he's just proposed to her.
Hannah [00:33:33]:
So when you say they met without a photo do you mean it was like a blind date setup thing?
Amber [00:33:37]:
Yeah. In the end she actually went up to her friends and said come on, you must know somebody that's suitable for me. And they were like, actually he's been single for quite a long while taking time out for himself and we do have someone in mind for you. And she was like I don't want to see a picture, I don't want to hear anything about him, just set me up on a date. I want to go meet him for myself in person and really get to know him.
Hannah [00:34:01]:
Yeah, that's amazing. So you did a spell on her. Did you use a spell then on yourself?
Amber [00:34:09]:
When the contract releasing that contract that set myself came in and I made that real ritual and ceremonial practice out of it. At the time when I cast a love spell for my friend, it came to my mind that I could do one for me, but it didn't feel energetically aligned already at that time. But once I released the sex ban contract, as it turned out to be, I then realized, oh, now's the time I'll cast a love spell for myself. This was around kind of September, maybe even approaching October last year. Within a few weeks of releasing and letting go of the sex ban.
Hannah [00:34:50]:
What did you do to let go of the sex ban. So you had a little ceremony. Did you, like, burn something? Did you write something down and burn it? Did you release something?
Amber [00:34:58]:
So I wrote a few words. I guess you might say it was a poem. It was just a few words that came to me that were expressing gratitude and being thankful for the benefits that had brought along. I probably lit a candle, I laid down on the bed and actually did some meditation around it. And that was it, really. I didn't follow any specific guidelines or research. It was the same when it came to casting the spells. It was just what felt right and what came along at the time. Yeah.
Hannah [00:35:32]:
And I suppose if anybody feels like something is stuck with them, like they've accidentally signed a contract for something, they could do that kind of practice, couldn't they? It's like, okay, this is what I want to do, and then meditate on it and maybe burn it or just do something ceremonially so that you energetically feel like, okay, now we're ready for the next bit, which is your beautiful spell that you did, your love spell. Is that right?
Amber [00:35:59]:
Yes, I believe that we can do that now. I mean, that was the first time I'd ever done anything like that, but I absolutely believe we can do that. And, I mean, here I am. And it's worked. I think I did. I collected, like, a couple of white feathers. Well, maybe coincidentally enough, but nothing really is a coincidence, is it? But my friend had bought me a love spell candle for my birthday that year, and I'd not burnt it like you do, just kept it special. And I was like, right, I'll use my love spell candle, get some feathers. I wrote a few words which turned into a poem. I brought them here if you'd like me to read them to you Hannah: 100%, yes. Amber: And then I brought it all together, the candle, the feathers, and the words that I'd written and cast my spell. Or really, you could look at it, that you're setting an intention, you're getting clear on your intention, what it is you really want, what it is you're really ready for. And to me, it's all about communicating that to the universe so that the universe can meet you halfway and help you bring that in. The love spell, this was just what I wrote from the heart, really. Cast a shadow of love on me. Fill me from head to toe, envelope me in your wings of love. I am open to loving freely and without conditions. No setbacks, no limitations, nothing to hold me back. I open myself up to being vulnerable and loving with my whole heart. It's my time now. It's our time. True calling in all that is meant for me, releasing all that isn't. Melt my fears, heal my heart, mind, body and free my soul. A love that is deeply awakened. Ours forever more. Mine starts with me and your starts with you bringing us into alignment and binding us together. And so won't it be.
Hannah [00:37:54]:
And so after you did that, how long was it until you met your fella?
Amber [00:37:59]:
So for me, it was probably about two or three months. Yeah, two or three months. And interestingly enough, when we did get together, he came to my holiday home here, where I live, in Crowell, which is about 25, 30 minutes from where he lives, and he said, I really feel like you've got me under a spell. And I was like, oh, funny you should mention that.
Hannah [00:38:19]:
I do. I literally have you under a spell. Both of us. Oh, my God, I love it. And did you feel differently afterwards? Were you like, oh, but not in a like, right, I'm going to go on the prowl. Like you didn't suddenly go, right. Where's the dating apps? You were like, no, I'm still going to keep doing what I'm doing and trusting.
Amber [00:38:46]:
Yeah. For me, it was about alignment and the energy of it and feeling aligned with where I'd been, where I'd come from, where I was, what I was working towards, and just continuing to sit with ease with that and trust this unwavering trust and inner knowing that when the alignment was there, it would happen. And funnily enough, as the time from the point of doing the love spell to right up to just before I met.
Hannah [00:39:17]:
Amber [00:39:20]:
My partner, friends were turning around and saying to me, clock's ticking, Amber. You're not going to meet anyone sat at home in your pajamas. They're not going to just come knocking on your door. And I was kind of like, yeah, well, I think they are. So I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing.
Hannah [00:39:38]:
That's great, because I think some people would be like, after the first month, like, oh, it's not fucking worked. It's not worked. Where's the dating app? I'm bored. I'm not watching Strictly Come Dancing again on my own. I can't do it. So you just kept sitting in your pajamas watching Strictly Come Dancing on your own? And did he come and knock on your door?
Amber [00:40:02]:
He didn't quite knock on my door. So just before Christmas last year, kind of.
Hannah [00:40:12]:
Is he santa?! He came down my chimney.
Amber [00:40:14]:
It felt like it.
Hannah [00:40:20]:
Sorry. So just before Christmas...
Amber [00:40:23]:
I could really take that on another level, but I won't.
Hannah [00:40:30]:
So yes, just before Christmas.
Amber [00:40:33]:
Yeah, just before Christmas. One Friday night, True to form, I'd been out for a walk with my neighbor and his dogs. It was like tea time. About like, I don't know, five, six o'clock. I got home of course it was dark, wet, wintry. I put my onesie on. I sat on my sofa, it was about half six, and I checked my phone and my friend, she's actually my beauty therapist, so I'll see her once a month for a facial and a pedicure and things. She'd messaged me a picture of him saying, I've shown him your picture, he thinks you're really pretty and he'd like to meet for a walk.
Hannah [00:41:11]:
How did she know him?
Amber [00:41:13]:
So she'd known him for nearly all of her life. She was like, he is an amazing man. She was a really close family friend and what had happened is she'd been unbeknownst to us, unbeknownst to either of us. She'd been talking to his mum about me for quite some time, but his mum had been, just letting her know that he wasn't ready yet. And my boyfriend actually said he said, I don't know what it was that day. He'd always been upstairs working from the office upstairs, at his mum's, well, for a big chunk of that year. And Ellie, our mutual friend, was downstairs in the kitchen and he said, I don't know what it was that took me downstairs because I'd normally just continue working. And I went downstairs and Ellie showed me your picture and he said, it's totally out of character for me, but he said, I just turned around and said, is she fit? And Ellie had gone, well actually..
Hannah [00:42:06]:
Yeah, she is. And she's really nice.
Amber [00:42:12]:
Yeah.
Hannah [00:42:13]:
And she's no longer on a sex ban. Oh, I love a good love story. That's amazing. She kept the faith. I guess I should probably ask you about all the other stuff you do too, because you have loads of different strings to your bow. So that was like over the last three years you've been through this process, but obviously, in addition to not having sex, you've also been working and doing loads of witchy things, your main stuff that you do.
Amber [00:42:55]:
So last year, because I've been on a hell of a healing journey in the last five years. Five years ago, I was completely disabled by illness, no longer able to function, get out of bed, go to work. I had no mortgage insurance, no sick pay, no immediate family to help. I was told that there was no hope, I was incurable, there was no point in making any changes, and that there was no support available to me at all, whatsoever. And that I was just now, like, living with the world's second most disabling disease. And that was that. Luckily for me, at the same time, I really see it that I had a massive awakening. I really woke up to complete disability by illness and for the first time in my life connected with this kind of inner strength, inner power, inner wisdom, my own inner knowing and intuition, which really unleashed, as I term it, like the warrior within, this warrior that I didn't even know was there. And as part of that, of losing my career, my income, I retrained to work in beauty and offer a mobile beauty service purely so that I could work around the illness as and when I could and try and keep a roof over my head. I did end up selling my home just so that I could continue prioritizing my health above everything as I continued to get weller and well and well. And last year I moved into a holiday home on Seven Lakes Country Park, which is 200 acres of land, beautiful lakes, woodlands. And here I launched retreat with me experiences. So host retreat with me days on a one to one basis, mainly for senior leaders, change makers, business owners, anyone really, who's looking into bringing change and transformation. So that might be chronically unwell people as well. And there are three experiences. So there's the Bring Back the Balance, where I really help people kind of connect back in with themselves, ground themselves, bring back balance into their lives through yoga and various practices and an expansive experience, which is a full body work channeling where I channel messages from beginning to end from the body of the client that I'm working with that day. And I'm just about to launch a couple's retreat with me day.
Hannah [00:45:27]:
Couples. As in like romantic stuff?
Amber [00:45:30]:
Yeah. So for a couple who would like to come and join me here for the day and connect in with each other and spend the day together.
Hannah [00:45:41]:
So like, not mediator, but just somebody to bear witness to the connection that they need to make with each other.
Amber [00:45:48]:
Yeah, see where they'd like to take that and what they might like to kind of work on or improve or identify and let's bring them together. Maybe even help them get clear on what's important to them, what they're wanting and their vision so that they can really work towards that together as a couple.
Hannah [00:46:04]:
Yeah. Bring out the ethics.
Amber [00:46:06]:
Yeah, that's something I haven't been able to do with any previous partner before that I can do now, which is really look to the future and talk about that vision and how we might bring that to how we plan to bring that to life.
Hannah [00:46:20]:
Amazing. So I guess to end, I was going to ask you, would you have any tips for someone who's because a lot of my audience either going through a breakup or kind of just working out who they are and what they're doing. Next kind of thing, but specifically for heartbreak. Since we have been talking about sex bans, what would be your tips for I guess processing that and then getting yourself ready for the next stage.
Amber [00:46:53]:
For me, I would really encourage you to take time out. Time out to really heal. Like I mentioned, at the end of the seven year relationship, at the back end of 2014, I knew I just had this inner knowing that I needed a year. However, I had no idea that you actually can take time out. You can heal a broken heart. This is possible. And that is something that I would really encourage and recommend now, because that is possible. And I do wonder why as a society, we are not taking time out to do that. It's not uncommon for us to move from one relationship to another to another, and in that time out, take time out to heal. Take time out to be alone. Speak with a therapist if you feel that you need a little bit of extra space holding for you. For me, it was very much the deeper end of the healing by the time I did eventually take the time out. So for me, it was more about the body work and the yoga and the deeper healing treatments. But, yeah, I think this time will be invaluable for you finding out more about yourself, for connecting with who you truly are and what you want, what you desire, what's important to you, what a relationship means to you, even. I don't think we even sit with that necessarily. We have all these ideas of what we think it looks like and what we've been sold, particularly in the fairy tales and the movies. I think the harsh reality is that it's none of those things. And actually we can take that back. We can actually sit and assess what it means to us now and what our idea of a relationship is and looks like. And doing so will really help you to break the patterns and heal, free yourself from any cycles and behaviors that you no longer wish to keep sitting with and repeating. I would also encourage others to really feel the way through. I mean, one of the biggest lessons that I've learned this year as human beings, we are capable of feeling pain. We are capable of feeling disappointment. We are capable of that. So let's take that time to really sit with that and feel our way through that and share with a friend, a family member, how you're feeling, a therapist, write down how you're feeling, meditate on it, maybe even get involved in a creative project or help someone do something that they really want to do. One of the things that I was called to do, again, going back to the end of the seven year relationship, was to join a group, walking group, a running group. I was receiving that message at the time, but I was so numbed out from all the drinking and the eating and the working and feeling depressed that I never actually could bring myself to do that at the time. And it would have been one of the most kind of healing and nourishing things for me to do, really, that would have got me connected to a new circle of friends, a new group of people. And who knows where that would have led back then. But yeah, there are a few things I wanted to share with you today.
Hannah [00:49:59]:
Oh, that's perfect. I feel like I'm doing some of them, so that's really good. Like, a big thing for me recently has been getting in the sea, but in doing so, I have made so many new friends and it's just completely it's like if you're always moving in this particular circle, you miss everything else. So when you suddenly start trying something new, you're like, whoa, all these new connections and connecting with people, like, completely not for sex, for all of the other millions of wonderful reasons that you would want to hang out with other people and connect with them and have beautiful non-sex moments.
Amber [00:50:40]:
Absolutely. And we have such a focus, don't we, on romantic relationships, as though that's the only relationship of significance in our life, when there are all the friends that we could be making and acquaintances, people we work with, family relationships. Relationships extend so far beyond the romantic variety.
Hannah [00:51:01]:
Yeah, absolutely. Well, this has been incredible. I feel like I've walked away with a much clearer idea of what it is I need to do and why. And it is a bit daunting, but I think it's the same as when I stopped drinking. It was like, I'm just going to do it as an experiment and just see how long I can go, but not put a time limit on it as such.
Amber [00:51:27]:
Wow, that's a really good tip. And that's a really good way forward, because then there's not as much pressure, is there? Or expectation, it's just like, have a little play around with it, have a little bit of a fun with it.
Hannah [00:51:40]:
I have said six months? I thought, six months feels like a manageable chunk, and then we'll just see how it goes from there. Because when I got to six months of not drinking, I was like, I'm not stopping now.
Amber [00:51:51]:
Wow, that's amazing to quit drink. It's so huge, isn't it? To embark on anything of this nature is huge. And then to have done one huge thing like that, I mean, we're unstoppable, aren't we? We can keep on going and keep on breaking cycles, cycle after cycle. And one of the things with my current boyfriend, when I met him, he said that he knew what he wanted and what he was looking for. He's got really clear on that as well, but he didn't realize that someone like me would exist, as in someone like me that's doing the work to the extent that he was doing it. Whereas for me, it was an absolute non negotiable. It was utterly essential to find someone who was doing that work to the same extent. But never at any time had I given any thought to what that might be like. When I actually did, I just knew it was non negotiable. But then to experience it and think, wow, I hadn't even thought what this would be like. Is just, like, mind blowing.
Hannah [00:52:58]:
Love it. Well, thank you so much for sharing so openly and your beautiful spell and all your ethics and just there's so much juicy stuff to take from this for the future. So really appreciate it. Thank you, Amber.
Amber [00:53:13]:
You're so welcome. I've thoroughly enjoyed it myself. Thanks for the opportunity.
Hannah [00:53:19]:
All right, then. Thank you so much for listening and I'll see you again next time for another episode of Happily Ever After with me. Hannah. It would be amazing if you could leave a review and subscribe. And, of course, if you've got a friend who might enjoy this episode, please do pass it on. For anything else, you can get in touch with me through Instagram @mumsdays or by my website, mumsdays.com. And did you know that I've got a newsletter? So it's the best way to stay in touch and to make sure you don't miss any podcasts or any freebies or competitions that we're running. And, again, you can sign up to that through the website.
