Sophie Transcript
H = Hannah
S = Sophie
K = Katie
H 0:07
Hello, and welcome to happily ever after. It's me, Hannah. And today I'm joined by Sophie because she had a Tarot reading that went in my favour. Hi, Sophie.
S 0:18
Hi.
H
What happened?
S
Yeah, so I occasionally get tarot readings from a girl I know she's called Naomi. And sometimes you might give like a prompt of what you want to hear about, what you don't want to hear about. But this one occasion, I didn't give her any prompts. And she said, Oh, look, before I even start anything, the first thing I need to say, is podcast. And it didn't mean anything to me. Because I have never, you know, been on one. So I says, what do you mean? Like the podcast because I don't relate to that at all. And she said, I feel like you've always needed to be on one, or you're a good person to be on one.
And it didn't relate to me for a while. And this was a few weeks later. And I was listening to your podcast about, when you were talking about like divorce in finding your identity again. And I haven't been divorced. But I'm recently in a relationship after being single for quite a while. And I was sort of finding my identity in a relationship. So I was like, I can relate to what you're saying. But I'm actually going through the opposite, if that makes sense. And because I was having a good mental health day, I thought, I'm gonna message Hannah and see if she wants us on.
H
Yeah.
S
And I wouldn't have done that if it wasn't for the reading.
H 1:33
It's amazing.
S
Yeah.
H
Because it is it's perfect. And actually, now that you're here and going through that, I have recently done the same thing. So I've taken a break from relationships. And then now I'm in one, and it's like, oh, how do you navigate this to make sure you don’t repeat old patterns?
S
Yeah.
H
So what I loved about your story is that you represent a very different attachment style to me, and I feel like you as well Katie. Katie’s here too by the way.
K
I’m here as well everybody
H
My chum chum I was like, Katie get your ass down for this. Because all three of us have like navigated singleness, having your heart broken, working out who we are. And I think it would just be a really interesting chat. So yeah, my attachment style is I'm quite anxious. And so being on my own feels very unnatural. But the sad thing about that is then you'll go and repeat old patterns because you're like anyone will do. Actually you need to. Yeah, if you’re, especially if you're a people pleaser, you end up doing whatever it takes to make sure people like you. And so I've been working on that. But it did make dating really tricky, and and I learned a lot of lessons. But you on the other hand, had quite a different experience. So tell me what happened for you when you ended your last, before your current relationship?
S 2:55
Yeah, so I've had a period of four years, I think four years, hopefully I'm not missing anybody out. And four years, we'll go for. Where I was very much on my own. And anyone I kind of met. It wasn’t, they weren't up to like not my standard, but the weren't what I wanted in a partner. So they were all out on the drink and I’m not really into that anymore. And they just didn't align with what I wanted. So I was quite happily on my own until I met the one, and I know that sounds a bit cringe, but like.
H
No, I love it.
S
Yeah, like the person. So I was very much doing what I wanted not thinking about anybody else. Like my time was my time, I was out with the girls a lot, you know, and it kind of, in the summer, I was having a great time I’m not gonna lie. And it gets to like the autumn/winter, and everyone's like snuggling down with their partners. And you get a bit like, ah, like, it's not ,there’s no distractions anymore. And so for me, I have always been open to finding somebody, but I haven’t.
H 3:59
Okay so you weren't actively single. You were still looking?
S 4:03
Kind of, but I wasn't putting pressure on it.
H
Yeah.
S
So like I would, I was on dating apps, which weren't great for me. So they will sort of regurgitate the same toxic person just again and again, and again.
H
In a different form.
S
In a different form. Exactly. And I would go back thinking, I'll be fine this time, you know. And so as part of one of my tarot readings, actually, Naomi said. Because I said look, do I need to just give up or is there hope for us, like or do I just put energy in other parts of my life pretty much because I was kind of a bit of like a ‘I give up’ kind of thing.
H
And then that's when things happen.
S
Yeah, I was just a bit like, I'm fed up with these men like that. None of them are good enough, pretty much and she said, I need to carry on, but I need to change my dating habits. So or the first thing she said was you need to get off dating apps. I hadn't told her I was on dating apps. By the way, she had just said, you need to get off dating apps, you need to concentrate on meeting someone more authentically like in person, which I've always wanted. But I personally never used to, apart unless it was a nightclub, which isn't always the best sort of person to meet. You don't really meet anyone. So I did what she said, I thought, right. We'll see how that goes. And I thought I would maybe meet someone through like dip club, going to the beach, the coast. This that and the other. But it actually just happened to be someone that I knew from school. Who I'm now with, yeah. But like, I don't know if you are into this sort of thing. But because I knew what I wanted. I've always believed that what you want out of the universe, you've got to show them you're ready for it, if that makes any sense.
H
Yeah.
S
So I started meditating with crystals. And I made like, I made like a non-negotiable list of what I want in a partner. And I'm not going to budge on it. Which I wish I still had a copy of
H
How do you not?!
S
I don't know. I got a new phone. And I think it was an old notes. I'd love to find it.
H 6:14
Yeah, because I've got my version of that. So that, what we call them what I called it was relationship ethics.
S
Right.
H
You write down, It's something like, how- what you believe about relationships?
S
Yeah.
H
What you believe about your partner in a relationship, how you will feel in a relationship, and how you'll know when you've met the person.
S
Yeah.
H
There’s one, there’s one other one I can't remember what it was, but I've made you do it before haven’t I Katie.
K 6:41
Yeah, we did it on the beach once.
H
Yeah.
K
And I think I wasn't ready for it. Actually, we need to revisit that.
H 6:46
Well, I think what was nice about that time was it helped you see that you weren't ready and needed a break?
K 6:52
Yeah that’s true. Although I didn't take a break. Just went straight on the dating apps anyway, and had a go. And it was horrible. Lesson learned.
S
Well there you go.
H 7:01
Okay. What do we think about dating apps Katie
K 7:03
Oh, I just think like, maybe this isn't the way that we're meant to meet people. I think it's fantastic that the technology is there, that we don't have to like, go out to bars and like, hope to meet Prince Charming, you know, but also at the same time, there's a lot of people I know that have had, like, a lot of bad luck with it. But then on the other hand, there's a lot of people I know that have had a lot of good luck with it.
S 7:31
That’s it. Like my best friend, she met her partner through dating apps. Well, he had sort of seen her on it in like, he found her on Facebook, which sounds like 20 years ago, but it wasn't like, I was always holding on to that, like someone's gonna find me from Tinder, for example. And like it just for me, it doesn't happen. And I feel like that the bad out outweighs the good. For me anyway, like, they're great for some people. But for me, it was just kind of, yeah. Toxic.
K 8:01
Yeah, it can be an extremely toxic place, I think and make you feel much worse than like, the, the benefits don't outweigh the negatives of it sometimes, you know,
S
Definitely not, not for me anyway.
K
And there are lots of alternative ways to meet people out there now. I kind of feel like we're turning a corner now, like this… It was dating apps and just dating apps for a long time. And now people are seeking alternatives. So that's good. And I'm excited to see where that goes.
H 8:29
Yeah, like real life in person. Because yeah. The other thing about dating apps is you're looking at every human from like, Carlisle to Edinburgh.
S
Yeah.
H
And you might connect with somebody great, but they're in completely.
S 8:46
Exactly, and for me, it's always concentrating on the photo, which doesn't say a lot about a person
H
The worst a way to do it.
S
Yeah.
H
The worst.
S
Yeah. Like there's more to us than a photograph isn't there.
H 8:59
So much more and you would easily dismiss some people because of the wrong angle or something?
S
That t-shirt.
H
Yeah. I don’t like the fact there's a beer glass behind him over there.
S
Yeah, right.
H
Do you know what I mean? Like little things that- it's just not the right way to do it. Because actually, when you see people moving and in real life, that's when the magic comes to life. That you can actually see the beauty shining through, you watch them laugh.
S
Yeah
H
You watch some like chat to a stranger. Those are the moments when you're like I've just fallen in love with them.
S 9:32
I don't know if you know this but, I think it was hinge. Didn’t mind hinge it was more like calm.
H 9:39
I found people were unhinged.
S 9:44
Unhinged. Well, what it was a bit of an ick for me, right? You could upload voice notes.
H 9:49
I quite like that.
S 9:51
I don’t. That would put me off straightaway. I don't know what it was. But like, the ones that I heard mostly we're like, them singing, or like talking to their self, and I just thought, I'm not. That's not for me that.
H 10:05
But it helped me work out who I liked the crack of. If that makes sense. If you hear somebody new like, oh my god cringe, then..
K 10:15
That's true.
S 10:17
Yeah.
H
Like somebody who's not taking it too seriously and has a little. But I don't know, I just found the moment I said, I'm not doing the dating apps anymore. I felt better in myself.
K
Yeah.
S
Yeah, I did.
H
If you've got any form of like addictive personality, ADHD, anything like that, I feel like dating apps is just the wrong place for you, because it's too overwhelming. And if you're a person who focuses you're gonna get sucked into that world.
S
Yeah, definitely
H 10:47
And lose your mind.
S
Like I used to get excited over matches, like, oo this person likes me.
H
Yeah.
S
And it will get quite addictive, wouldn't it?
H 10:54
The swiping?
S
Yeah.
H
And then you're like, that's all you're doing.
S 10:57
But then when they actually used to message us, I'm like, Ah, I haven’t got time for that.
H
This guys messaged me but actually.
S
I don't want to talk to ya. I just want the match.
K 11:06
Which again, is something you would never do in real life. You know, like, if you if you met somebody organically in real life, you wouldn’t then rule them out because he couldn't really be bothered to talk to them. Which which is what happens on the apps.
S
Yeah. Yeah.
K
It's almost too much choice.
S
Yeah.
H 11:24
Yes. Like it’s got that feeling of like, just window shopping.
S
Yeah.
H
And you know when you go on Sweaty Betty in the sale, and you fill your basket with no intention of ever buying anything because you just wanted that feeling of, but I could.
S
But it's there if I want it.
H
Yeah. You're just window shopping and getting that moment of like, oh, I’d look really nice in that red jumper. But then you don't buy it?
K
Yes.
H
That is just distraction and numbing.
S
Yeah.
H
As opposed to real life connection. So both you and me have now met people in IRL.
S
I know.
H
That's like two thirds of this room have done it the old school way.
S 12:10
Yeah, it was through Instagram. But we didn't know of each other anyway.
H
Yeah.
S
It's kind of like to social media sort of.
H 12:18
But it's not the same as being on an app specifically.
S
Yeah, for that reason.
H
Because the other thing about dating somebody through an app is the pressure to like, get intimate. It's quite strong.
S
Yeah.
H
It’s like we're only here for one thing. Really.
S
Yeah.
H
Whereas, you know, I friend dated the guy that I'm now with.
S
Oh really?
H
For like two months.
S
Oh, that’s good.
H
So we would just go for walks. There was no pressure. And it just gave us a chance to get to know each other and make sure we definitely really liked each other.
K 12:53
Yeah, there is less pressure that way.
S
Yeah. Yeah.
H
It was lovely, but we're not here to talk about me.
H 13:03
So you got to the end of your three, three to four years. And then you start- you basically had a ceremony for yourself.
S
Yeah
H
To say right. I'm ready for that person. I'm open and I'm willing.
S
Yeah.
H
Which I think really cool, because I did something similar on the beach with a fire and petals.
S 13:21
I mean, that's better than what I did. I just sat in my bedroom.
H 13:25
That’s okay. It’s not a competition. With me I was like, right, this is the end of me dipping every day. So I'm gonna say thank you to the sea and have this little ceremony and also be open now for the dating ban to be over to see what would happen. But I do feel like little, it doesn't matter whether you believe or not. It's like an energetic shift.
S
Yeah.
H
From okay, we've been doing this thing. It's not working. This is what I'm looking for. And then now I'm open to it.
S 13:55
Yeah. And like, for me, I kind of switched my mindset. So normally, I would be like, thinking before a date, like, Oh, are they gonna find us attractive. Are they gonna find us funny. Am I good enough for them. But I switched that in my head and thought, actually, are they good enough for me? Am I gonna find them funny? And am I gonna find them attractive?
H
Yeah.
S
So for me, it was kind of like, not like an audition for me. But it was like, are they good enough?
H 14:24
Yeah. Is this the person that I'm looking for?
S 14:26
Yeah. And it made me more confident walking in there. Because I wasn't questioning if I was good enough. Do you know what I mean?
K 14:33
That's definitely my approach to dating and I've tried to like change, change that a bit and approach it the way that you've just described and it's, it's extremely difficult to do that. Because of your own insecurities, you know, that's obviously what's going to be at the forefront of your mind, I think, but I definitely think you're probably not going to meet the person that you want to meet until you do change your mind about like that.
H 15:01
Which is why I needed a break.
K
Yeah.
H
Because I was totally in that place of like, I need to find someone, I need to find someone. Am I good enough bla bla bla, like I needed that break to be like, just dating myself.
S
Yeah.
H
And working out who I am, like you say finding your identity and and what I really want from somebody so that- how are you going to know when you haven't taken that time?
S
Yeah
H
But of course, and then you do find the right person. And then there's like loads of opportunities to fuck it up, shall we say?
S
Yeah.
H
Because we're like, repeating old patterns. Because I guess it's like, this is how I was in a relationship. So your brain goes back to the- I know how to behave when I'm in a relationship. I do this.
S
Yeah.
H
And then when you’re with the right person, they're not pushing necessarily those buttons anymore.
S
Yeah.
H
So yeah, I can start to self sabotage when that happens.
S 16:06
Well, David said straightaway, like, you were quite like, not pushing him away. But like, well, you're going to be bored of us now. You know, you're going to cheat on us now. You're going to not find me attractive anymore. Because that's what I've been used to in the past.
H
Yeah.
S
So I was really struggling with like, actually, this is going quite well. I'm not used to it. Like, I'm expecting something to go wrong. Like I was looking for problems that weren't there.
H
Yeah.
S
So yeah, I know what you mean.
H 16:35
So, what do you- what did you do about it?
S 16:42
I just concentrated on what was actually happening and what this person was doing for me, rather than what I thought they were going to do. And I tried to concentrate on actually, if it does happen, I've survived it before. And I can survive it again, if it happens. Do you know what I mean?
H 16:59
Yeah totally. One of the things that came up for me was when I started having my needs met. And I was like, I'm not- This feels really uncomfortable.
S
Yeah
H
Like if I was upset, and then he would comfort me. I'm like, I don't know how to receive this.
S 17:20
Yeah. I'm not used to it.
H
Yeah Like I'm used to, like masking how I feel, in order to meet your needs. Not the other way around, and then starting to feel deeply uncomfortable about it. And freaking out about that.
S
Yeah.
H
it's very weird. So it's like giving yourself permission to receive what it is you actually want out of a relationship. And obviously, in relationships, you can be addicted to things like drama.
S
Yeah.
H
And having to put out fires. And so again, there'll be a thought process in the brain, which is like, I'm, I'm missing that, I'm craving a bit of something to solve. Does that make sense?
S
Yeah. Yeah.
H
So yeah, it's very weird.
S
Yeah.
H
You spend so much time trying to find this person. And then you're like, oh, but now I need to relearn how to be in a healthy relationship.
S 18:24
Yeah, it's, I'm not used to it. Like we've bickered, like anyone does. But we’ve- there's no blazing arguments. There's no storming out. And I'm, like, it's surprisingly calm.
H
Yeah.
S
And like, with me, because my anxiety can be quite up and down. And, you know, and but David's just quite like this. And I'm like, you know, I mean, like, he's quite mellow and stays the same quite level. Yeah. And I'm quite up and down. So for me, it goes quite well.
H 18:53
Yeah. Like he's helping you ground.
S
Yeah.
H
And he's anchor, anchoring you when you're feeling a bit wild.
S 19:00
Yeah. Which I never realised I needed. Like in the past, I'd be going on dates, drinking alcohol, clouded judgement. The rest is history. And then you wonder why they don't speak to you the next day. Do you know what I mean? And I'm now quite confident with the fact that I don't enjoy drinking as much anymore. And if people ever say anything about it, I know it's good for me.
H 19:23
Yeah. It’s none of your business.
S
So yeah.
K 19:27
Yeah. I think as women, we can be quite uncomfortable- It can be quite an uncomfortable feeling when somebody goes, actually what do you need? You know, because we're not used to it. So like that discomfort. It should be like a nice feeling of, oh, great, okay. I get to express my needs and say what I want, but instead, because we're not used to it. It's like, oh, this is weird. I don't know what to do with it. You know?
H 19:52
Yeah. I can give you an exact example of this. So it was one morning- a Friday morning where we were meant to be getting up early and going to meet some people, go swimming in the sea. And I was like, I just had a meltdown. I was like, I'm completely overwhelmed at the moment, there's too much going on. I'm exhausted, and I need to rest.
But I also felt like I was putting him out because he wanted to go and dip. And he was trying to comfort me and being like, no, no, I'll stay with you. But then there was this thing in me, which was like, I can't make a fuss. I need to do this anyway, I need to go and do this thing. But I also want him to stay with me. And it was all like, mixed up in this thing of like, just kind of imploded on myself and I couldn’t either go or stay or accept his support in the situation. And he's like, no, no, I'm gonna stay with you. And I'm like, Oh, God, please go. But if you go I’ll feel like you don't love me.
S 20:51
Then you can't win.
H
No,
S
No.
H 20:53
So I just had to sort of breeze through it and be like, try and process what the trigger was. So I didn't repeat it. And I've never had an issue since but in that very moment, I was like, Fuck, this is like, all of the things all happening at once. Poor Brain.
K
I know.
H 21:15
It was in the run up to Christmas, so it's hardly a surprise.
S
It's very overwhelming, especially with new year, everyone wants to change their self. And this year, I didn't actually want to change myself, which is quite a big thing for me. Normally, it's like, well, I want to drop five stone and I want to be this person and change this. And this year, I was actually like, there’s nothing I want to change. I just want new experiences.
K 21:35
Yeah.
H
And come on a podcast. And do a vision board
S
Yeah smashed it in January. I can stop now. Completed it already.
H 21:46
So. Sophie, and Katie came to a vision boarding workshop that me and Lou ran back at the beginning of January. Did you enjoy it?
S 21:57
I did. I was really nervous, right? Because Yoga is not my strong point. I went to a class before. And I pretty much collapsed.
H
It sounded like a hard one.
S
It was a hard one. It was very, like fast movement, which I didn't expect. And so I was quite nervous that yours would be like that. And it wasn't it was very slow.
H
It was the opposite.
S
I loved it. It was just like sleeping in a room of strangers. I loved it.
H 22:25
For the record, everyone, it was restorative yoga. So, you basically have about five poses that you do over the course of an hour. So you're in each pose for about 10 minutes.
S
Yeah.
H
And trying to go deep. And just like, say, for example, you might be opening your chest and trying to like breathe into heart space, and just seeing what emotions come up. So but my normal yoga classes a bit faster, but not flow like what you did.
K 22:50
Works your body, though. I’ve been there.
H 22:54
You have to hold your pose.
S
That's quite hard.
K 22:56
Yeah. It's lovely, though. You should come to Hannah’s regular classes.
S 22:59
I'll try.
H 23:01
Friday nights, guys. So yeah, so you like the yoga and then we went on to do vision boards? Yeah. And did you- what kind of stuff came up for you to go on your vision board?
S 23:12
Well - I put smack bang in the middle. I want a mortgage, I want to move out and get my own…
H
Where are you currently living?
S
With my family.
H
Okay.
S
So I do know where my breads buttered. I've been, you know, I've outstayed my welcome a little bit. And I'm getting to a point where I need to grow up a bit really. So that was smack bang in the middle. And then I had, I'm trying to think I had mainly just keep up with the gym, keep up with things I like to do. So like the dip clubs, swimming, but it was just mainly experiences. So I had a campervan on there. So I've always loved like, you know, like the Volkswagen vans, all the flowers on and colours. I’ve always wanted to either own one, which I doubt will happen, or at least rent one. So..
H
That’s doable. You could do that this summer.
S
And then funnily enough, our friend said that she knew someone with one. So I was like, right. Okay. We'll do that. And then I can't remember what else was on it now. Let's have a think. Oh, so I run a little Instagram of like positive quotes.
H 24:25
Yes. What's it called again?
S 24:27
Daily glimmer.
H 24:28
So it's @dailyglimmer. You do write some really lovely stuff.
S 24:33
Oh thank you. I suppose it’s my way of like, getting out, getting out how I feel as well. But I wanted 1000 followers on there. And I'm already halfway.
K
Great.
S
Yeah.
H
Nice.
H 24:46
Yeah. So it's building up stuff like that. And you're already getting ready to put in an offer and a house aren’t you as well.
S 24:53
Yeah, we’ve been doing lots of viewings. It's exhausting viewing houses.
H
It’s a full time job
S
Like trying to visualise yourself in a house and what you would do with the living room and like, oh, well, this one has a bigger garden like, I've done a pros and cons list of my favourites. But even then we're still viewing more, because one of them's went already. Like, it's just so hard, isn't it?
K
You'll know. You’ll know when you find it.
S
Yeah. Well that’s what I mean, like we nearly put an offer in at the start of the week, actually. And when I emailed to say, I'd quite like to put an offer in, we've got one back straightaway to say, Oh, they've accepted another offer. But in my mind, I was quite stressed about putting this offer in. So I was thinking is that my body telling me this isn't right. Yeah. Do you know what I mean?
K
Yeah
H 25:40
Sort of. Because my experience of this is, I bought a house last year. When I got the keys, I cried. Like, cried, had a panic attack.
S
Right.
H
My ex husband had to come and pick the kids up because I was like, freaking out. There’s loads of work to do on it. And now, we're nearly at the point where the work is going to happen. I can move in. And I'm excited.
S
Oh, okay.
H
So I've gone from like, freaking out, didn't want this house, didn't want anything to do with it to now that I'm nearly moving in. I'm really excited about it. And I can really see how beautiful it's going to be.
S
Yeah.
H
So think. And there's so much wrong with this house. You can still see the sky through the roof.
S
Oh… I mean..
H
Yeah, I need a new boiler there's so much wrong with it. But
S
Boilers, fine. But roof.
H
It's quite integral. But my point is that, like, once it's yours, you can make it what you want. And once you've moved in, you'll be like, ah this is our home. And we can do what we want with it. And we can make it beautiful. And you can get excited about it. So partly, I'm like, don't overthink it either.
S
That's a good point. Because I really have been.
H
You've been writing pros and cons.
S
A notebook of notes. Yeah, like crazy.
H
I mean, it is a massive investment. And I get everything. But I think if it's a place for you and Dave, to make a home together, it could be a shoebox and you’d love it.
S 27:15
Yeah, that's true, and we’d still have a great time. Yeah.
H 27:18
So as long as it’s within budget. Just go for it, in the right areas. That kind of thing.
S 27:24
Well I've actually compromised for probably the first time in a long time, because I was quite adamant of staying in my hometown. But he's actually said like, well, what about here, and you've got this, and you've got this and like one place is quite close to the coast. So I was like, well, that. That sounds good. Because I was quite dead set on being in one place. But like this weekend, we're actually viewing places elsewhere, which I never would have done before.
H 27:53
Oh, maybe it's for a reason.
S
Maybe
H
Get you closer to the sea.
S 27:57
Where I need to be.
K 27:58
Well, that's what I mean, as well. I think when you like, you've got to have a little bit of faith in the process with these things.
H 28:03
Things fall through when they're not right. But equally, don’t worry too much.
S
Yeah.
H
Cool. So going back to being single, for our friends who are listening, who are currently single and don't necessarily want to be? Do you have any tips for how to do it and enjoy it? If that makes sense?
S 28:27
Well, I would really recommend doing the non-negotiables. Because it really cuts out people you don't want to waste your time on. And I think just knowing deep down that you are comfortable on your own. I know that easier said than done. But I feel like people put far too much pressure on themselves. I used to put pressure on myself to be like other friends and have a house and a mortgage and a dog and four kids. Like
H
Oh my god.
K
It’s the happily ever after isn’t it.
H 28:56
We’re addicted to that story as well. So if you're single, on your own and feeling a bit uncomfortable or a bit upset about something, you revert back to old stories, that we're kind of addicted to. So if you're not drinking, you might replace it with eating too much food or obsessing over finding a partner, rather than coming back to yourself.
S 29:18
And I think yeah, you generally have to be comfortable with being on your own first because when you're so reliant on getting happiness from somebody else, I think it puts a lot of pressure on you that you don't need and you then, like, attached to somebody and just do what they want to do and you forget yourself in the process.
H 29:40
And they can't actually make you happy. They can enhance your life.
S
Yeah
H
And make you feel good about yourself as long as the right person, but they can’t get in your head and make you feel happy with yourself.
S 29:54
Yeah. Yeah.
H 29:59
Did you do anything specific to find your identity or work on your self esteem?
S 30:06
Well, for me with self esteem, I got into the habit of following accounts on Instagram that were similar to me. So I used to be in a habit of following, I don’t know, people in smaller bodies, which I would never look like. And I would put pressure on myself to go to the gym and look like that person. But now I follow sort of more curvier bigger bodies and people who still go to the gym and but they are curvier and bigger. And you know, so I think looking at what your processing first and mindless scrolling. I actually cut down my screen time for quite a while, because I was just scrolling at things. And I guess like fantasising about a body I'll never have and going into the sea has helped, like wearing a swimsuit every week, has kind of helped as well. Like the first time I went, I wasn't really practical. I had this tiniest bikini on I didn't know what I expected to happen. But like, you kind of look around and think like there’s more bodies like mine here.
H
Yeah.
S
And no one cares what you look like. No one's went home and thought, oh, that bikini wasn't great for her. Or I wonder what size jeans she had last year. Like, nobody thought that. So I guess it kind of helps you think like no one cares about you like, what you look like. Like there's more to you than your body. Do you know what I mean?
K 31:30
It's very liberating feeling as well, isn't it. Putting your swimming costume on and walking onto a beach full of people with their clothes on. It's like, this is my body. And there's nothing I can do about it so I’m here in my swimming costume.
S 31:41
Exactly. And there's more to you, like people will, you'll strike conversations with people about everything. But no one cares what your look like and who you are. They're bothered about who you've come as today. And what your purposes for being in the sea.
H 31:59
What’s your crack. Not that one.
S
Yeah. Yeah.
H
Although some people do get them out. So
S 32:02
I mean, and that's great for them.
K
Yeah, each to their own.
S
I will do on one day, just not today. You know? Yeah.
H 32:11
Nice. Finally, how do we keep our identity when we're in a relationship? The question.
S 32:18
Well, I struggled to begin with, because when you're kind of in the honeymoon phase, it's very much going out for dates, just spending time with them. But I think for me, it's setting a boundary of when you're going to see your friends when you're going to see your family. What are your hobbies? So for me, it was the gym, and going swimming. And spending a lot of time with my friends means a lot to me. So actually, on a Sunday, I might only see you in the afternoon. And you're gonna have to be okay with that, because that's part of my life that I need. It's a coping mechanism. So I guess it's just setting a boundary of knowing what you need day to day. And I mean, he has integrated with a lot of things I do. So he comes swimming now. And, he knows my family, so it does integrate nicely. But then it's also having that time on your own.
H
Yeah.
S
Apart as well. Yeah.
H 33:22
There's a good graph, right. You know, like the Venn diagrams like this. We've
K 33:28
That’s Hannah doing a Venn diagram everybody who’s not watching the video.
H 33:31
It’s two circles. So there's like three different types of relationship. There's the one where you don't do anything together. So you're like this. Then there's the one where you're completely codependent. The two circles completely overlap. And then there's the one where you're interdependent. So you do some things together. But you also have plenty of time, independently doing your own things. And apparently that's the healthiest relationship.
S
Yeah.
H
So you've just described that, and I’d forgotten all about it.
S
Yeah.
H
Yeah, just making sure, because especially if your default is I must solve all their problems, and do everything for them, to not go back to that. And keep making sure that you've got your own interests, you've got everything carved out for yourself, as well as making time for them.
K 34:18
That's interesting, because my default has always been two separate lives.
H
Like completely independent.
K
Like two cycles part. Yeah.
H 34:26
Like never the twain shall meet
K 34:31
Yeah, to an extent, but that's always been the guy's choice, like not mine. And maybe that's something I need to look for in a relationship
S
Is that not a bit of a red flag? I don’t want to spend time with you.
K 34:37
Oh, yeah, probably.
S
I mean…
K
I should look at that shouldn’t I.
S
I would maybe evaluate that.
K 34:46
Yeah, just always seemed to go out with guys who like, are happy for me to go and do my own thing. And I've never expressed a need to have them there in certain parts of my life. So maybe that's something I need to work on.
S 34:58
I mean, I think that's okay. Yeah, I think that's fine. But to an extent you need to come together. Yeah.
K 35:08
Yeah, I'm not like I'm not talking about like relationships where we never did anything or saw each other, that would be weird. But like, if I was going out with my friends naturally, my boyfriend wouldn't come.
S
See, I think that's fine.
K
Yeah, I think it is fine.
S
Yeah.
K
But then when I did want them to come, they still wouldn't come. So that's the difference.
S
Right. Okay. Yeah.
H 35:30
You want to do have some interests together?
K
Yeah.
H
But anyway, thanks for that bombshell. Right at the end.
K
Yeah, sorry.
H
It's just one of those things. My natural thing is to become too codependent. And yours is very
K
Completely different. Yeah.
H
Can’t remember what the name is of the two external ones. But yes, nurture your time together and apart.
S
Yeah.
H
Would be your takeaway.
S
Yeah.
H
Thanks so much for coming on Sophie.
S
Thanks for having me.
H
Where can we find you on the gram.
S 35:59
My username is well, it's Sophie without the I. So Sophe, SOP H. E. And then Izzy. I double Zed Y.
H
Lovely
K 36:10
I'll put a link in the show notes.
H 36:12
Yeah. And then we've also got @dailyglimmer as well.
S
Yeah, @Dailyglimmer. Yeah.
H
Well, thanks for coming.
S
Thank you.
H
Good luck with the house move and purchase. I look forward to the housewarming.
S 36:22
Oh, yeah. That's a one.
H
See you soon
S
Thank you! Bye!
