PODCAST 5 - How to thrive
Hello and welcome to Happily Ever After, the podcast where we explore all things Divorce and heartache but leave with hope. I am your host Hannah Harvey, and today we are talking about How to thrive during your divorce.
People often ask me what I think the magic steps are to thrive during this shitty time and it’s really hard to define as each person is different but I’ve narrowed it down to these … steps:
1. Acknowledge how you feel
In last week’s episode I talked at length about grief and the stages of grief, and how I felt and what I did… so if you want to hear about this in much more depth head over there.
Basically the breakdown of your relationship is a big deal, it can be hugely traumatic and can bring about BIG emotions. Anger, resentment, pain and guilt, hopelessness, you name it and you can probably feel it at some point during your divorce.
A huge part of thriving through your divorce, is accepting how you feel and not trying to paper over the cracks or power through. That might feel counter productive and like you’re thriving at the time you feel like a complete waste of space.
But the good news is you won’t feel crap all day every day, and feeling good and positive is more likely to happen if you’ve spent time acknowledging how you feel!
If you do feel crap for extended periods, then please seek help, which I'll get to in a mo.
2. Take your time
Living in a state of limbo is THE WORST! I hate it so much. As soon as there is change afoot, I naturally want everything sorted yesterday and there isn’t enough hours in the day to do all the stuff I want to do.
Getting divorced has forced me to chill the beans.
You can’t rush this stuff. You can’t rush the legal stuff, you can’t courts, and you sure as shit can’t rush grief. It’ll happen when it wants to.
Learning to sit in uncertainty has been huge for me. But as soon as I was able to accept what I could control and not obsess over the things I couldn’t, I was able to find space to breathe and thrive.
3. Reduce stress as often as you can -
Yoga and mediation has been big for me. I used to reluctantly do both before my divorce but I found the chatter in my head too distracting and disturbing.
Once I had the space and time and physical need to reduce stress, it’s been a game changer for me. I can now zoom in on how I’m feeling and calm myself in a matter of moments. So I highly recommend finding your thing that helps you do that and if it can involve movement, so much the better.
I love going for walks. It is incredible for moving you out of emotional stuckness. If you feel like you're stagnating, get moving!
4. GET HELP - financial, legal, practical -
Malibu Rising by taylor jenkins reed.
“When there is only you, you do not get to choose which jobs you want, you do not get to decide you are incapable of anything. There is no room for distaste or weakness, you must do it all, all of the ugliness, all of the sadness. The things people can’t bear to even think about… you must be capable of everything…”
A great mantra that many women need to here is: “It is safe for me to get help”
I am so passionate about this that the whole next episode is about building your team.
5. Speak to friends and family as much as you can - get it out
Essential if you want to thrive during your divorce. Talk talk talk, find your voice. Get a coach, speak to friends, get a therapist. Speak out and you will thrive.
6. Prioritise joy - quote from Malibu rising
“She understood then in a way that she did not before, that she did not have room to flail about, she had to model for her siblings what she wanted them to do for themselves. They would not be ok if she was not ok. So she had to find a way.”
And the thing I found that helped me find a way was to prioritise joy.
Ad break
stumbling blocks
Divorce can often become a battle ground. And a really difficult part of it is that it’s all so damn personal. YOu are now against the person who was meant to be your soul mate, the person who had your back. It can be very sad and also hurtful.
When you’ve spent a long time with someone, they also know all about your triggers, the things you fear the most about yourself and they may want to poke those wounds because they are hurting too.
What I found to be incredibly helpful during this phase was
1. Changing my mindset - this is a business transaction not a personal one. I need x y and z to secure my future and the future of my children. It is not about greed or selfishness, it’s about what is fair in the eyes of the law.
2. Working on my confidence through therapy and coaching - you need to have the confidence to stand up for what is fair, even when you are being manipulated or triggered. It may take a few mindset shifts - maybe you feel like a greedy bitch. Maybe you’re in scarcity and worried about everything running out or that you’ll never earn another penny.
3. Prioritising joy - with friends, through movement and meditation and whatever else brings you joy. COnnect to your true calling by taking time to get quiet and listen. You can’t rush this stuff!
RuPaul “You can look at the darkness but don’t stare…the solution is to create magic…create environments where you can find joy because you can create joy.”
Alright gorgeous, go and slay. Have a great week and I will see you next week for another episode of the Happily Ever After with me, Hannah Harvey. Don’t forget to review and subscribe and if you have a friend who might enjoy, please do recommend they listen too!
You can get in touch either through instagram @hharveywrites or via my website hannahharvey.uk. I would love to hear from you, and any thoughts you have about this week’s episode!
See you next week.
